Colonial Hymenopterous Insects for Christmas!
So, my dad calls last night and asks if it was OK if he sends us a warm Christmas check that we could use to buy Stevie and ourselves gifts with. Well, we're not going to buy ourselves anything, but we have to get a few (more) presents for Stevie that he can open at Papa's house.
Now, my kid is 4 and already has an embarrassment of riches awaiting him. This being the first year that he really gets the Christmas thing, we gave him the toy catalogs that come in the Sunday paper and a Sharpie and told him to circle the things that he wanted--with the realization that he's not going to get all of them.
Toy gender issues abound and are well known to me, and there needs to be some improvement in marketing bi-gender toys, in making more educational toys for girls, etc. But there is something to be said for inherent "boyness" and "girlness," because Stevie skipped right past the "girl pages" and circled any and all toys dealing with superheros (Go Go Power Rangers! Go! Go!), big K'Nex creations, and Slimecanos. We didn't encourage these choices--in fact, some of his choices were discouraged and some were thrown away when he wasn't looking. Some of the funniest things he circled were the Easy Bake Oven (he circled it in two different catalogs!), a doll-size beauty salon chair (which he later discarded as it was "too purple." I'm not kidding.), and a three-story, soft "puppy house" with little stuffed puppies sticking out of the windows. He also wants the S'more Maker. And a motorcycle with a big scary skull on the front.
Anyway, I go online looking for ideas, and I come across Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. I'm not getting him Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. The real fun is in reading the reviews of Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. I've included some of my favorites below (#4 is my favorite):
#1 Frankly, shipping Ants across the country and then sandwiching them in between plates of plastic is an education in ignorance. It is no wonder most have died within a week! If you wish to experience any of God's creatures in a healthy, natural, intelligent and compassionate context, get off your keister and watch them where they choose to live. There is no State in the USA where ants do not thrive.
#2 Oh, give me a home, where the ants they do roam... January 10, 2003
Reviewer: Rik Burke
Firstly I need to clear something a bit misleading about the product up. Calling it a "giant ant farm" suggested to me that it was a farm for giant ants. However, on receiving the package, I was disappointed to find that the word "giant" referred to the size of the farm, and not its inhabitants. Bang went my meglomanical dreams of ruling the world with an army of giant killer ants, or (more peculiarly) being able to saddle up and ride a giant ant to work.
Once I'd got over my intial disappointment I looked closer into the package, to my horror, further disappointment awaited! As far as "farming" goes, this more resembles an early stone age settlement than todays agricultural powerhouses. No tractors, no combine harvesters, no grain silos, no sheds of turkeys with their feet nailed to the floor and their beaks sliced off.
I tried to bring this so-called farm in the 21st century by introducing them to the biological wonder of pesticides. However, at this point a killer bug must have swept the colony as they all died.
The only good thing I have to say about this is it's very durable; I bruised my metacarpal whilst punting it into the bin.
#3 Ant farm subsidies March 22, 2002
Reviewer: Susie from Omaha, NE USA
We got an ant farm for my oldest son when he was 10. Then by sheer genius,(he was a very precosious boy) he said: "Hey, they subsidize real farmers, maybe we should subsidize them and tell them NOT to do anything with the 'south 40' for a season or two!" They seemed to quit early and go home when it came to the 'south 40' area anyway,being farther away from their nest and so many obstacles to get through to get there,(we had bits of Lincoln logs scattered around to see the little "he-men" ants carry 100 million times their weight)... so it worked out very nicely. These particular ants were a bit sluggish when we first got them, but with the subsidies, they were able to add some bulk to their wee bodies in the "off season" and then cleaned up the South 40 with a vengeance the next time around. But then like everything, the newness wore off and they started to whine and want more subsidies while doing less around the place, so we took them to the local Ant Shelter. We hope the farm didn't break landing on the concrete floor after going through the pet depository chute. Now years later, the ant farm long gone, we still remember the fun and the learning experience. Yes a very educational toy it is!
#4 U. Milton's Ant Farm a fun way to learn about Toil & Death July 25, 2000
Reviewer: A guest from Sandy Springs, GA USA
Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm is a fun, interactive way to teach children ages 5 and up about unceasing, backbreaking toil and the cold, inescapable reality of death. My little ones had a front-row seat as worker ants labored, day in and day out, until they inevitably died of exhaustion, their futile efforts all for naught. The ant farm, complete with stackable tiny ant barns, see-through 'Antway' travel tubes, and connecting 'Antports,' is a child's window into the years of thankless, grueling labor that await them as worker drones in our post-industrial society. It's the fun way to teach your kids to accept their miserable fate stoically. The ants, which come separately from the farm, are bred in New Mexico and mailed directly to your home. Within days of arriving, a majority of the ants die at the hands of the small children responsible for regulating the temperature, humidity, and food supply in their delicate pseudo-ecosystem. Even under optimum conditions the ants survive no more than 20 weeks in the farm. As a result, children are assured the chance to contemplate the inescapability of their own mortality and the whole family will be reminded that the spectre of death hangs over every creature on this Earth. The lesson that the ants' labor is all in vain becomes clearer as time passes. During the first two to three weeks, the exclusively female worker ants are extremely productive, building an elaborate system of tunnels and hills amongst the miniature green trees and red plastic houses dotting the interior of the plastic dome. However, because neither male ants nor a fertile queen is provided with Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm, making reproduction impossible, the farm is doomed to extinction from day one. You'll learn such fascinating things about the natural world, like the fact that the social structure of an ant colony is extremely complex, with individual members occupying such castes as soldier, messenger, and larvae attendant. At some point, Uncle Milton's ants become cognizant that their hierarchical structure has been stripped away, rendering their already near-meaningless existence totally futile. There seems to be a breaking point at about the 22-day mark when the dejected ants begin to die off en masse. At this point the ant farm enters what is known as the "death-pile phase." A spot is chosen by the worker ants to deposit their dead, and the burial mound steadily grows as the few remaining ants devote more of their time to gathering and burying others. Yes, with Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm, arbeit macht fun!
Now, my kid is 4 and already has an embarrassment of riches awaiting him. This being the first year that he really gets the Christmas thing, we gave him the toy catalogs that come in the Sunday paper and a Sharpie and told him to circle the things that he wanted--with the realization that he's not going to get all of them.
Toy gender issues abound and are well known to me, and there needs to be some improvement in marketing bi-gender toys, in making more educational toys for girls, etc. But there is something to be said for inherent "boyness" and "girlness," because Stevie skipped right past the "girl pages" and circled any and all toys dealing with superheros (Go Go Power Rangers! Go! Go!), big K'Nex creations, and Slimecanos. We didn't encourage these choices--in fact, some of his choices were discouraged and some were thrown away when he wasn't looking. Some of the funniest things he circled were the Easy Bake Oven (he circled it in two different catalogs!), a doll-size beauty salon chair (which he later discarded as it was "too purple." I'm not kidding.), and a three-story, soft "puppy house" with little stuffed puppies sticking out of the windows. He also wants the S'more Maker. And a motorcycle with a big scary skull on the front.
Anyway, I go online looking for ideas, and I come across Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. I'm not getting him Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. The real fun is in reading the reviews of Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm. I've included some of my favorites below (#4 is my favorite):
#1 Frankly, shipping Ants across the country and then sandwiching them in between plates of plastic is an education in ignorance. It is no wonder most have died within a week! If you wish to experience any of God's creatures in a healthy, natural, intelligent and compassionate context, get off your keister and watch them where they choose to live. There is no State in the USA where ants do not thrive.
#2 Oh, give me a home, where the ants they do roam... January 10, 2003
Reviewer: Rik Burke
Firstly I need to clear something a bit misleading about the product up. Calling it a "giant ant farm" suggested to me that it was a farm for giant ants. However, on receiving the package, I was disappointed to find that the word "giant" referred to the size of the farm, and not its inhabitants. Bang went my meglomanical dreams of ruling the world with an army of giant killer ants, or (more peculiarly) being able to saddle up and ride a giant ant to work.
Once I'd got over my intial disappointment I looked closer into the package, to my horror, further disappointment awaited! As far as "farming" goes, this more resembles an early stone age settlement than todays agricultural powerhouses. No tractors, no combine harvesters, no grain silos, no sheds of turkeys with their feet nailed to the floor and their beaks sliced off.
I tried to bring this so-called farm in the 21st century by introducing them to the biological wonder of pesticides. However, at this point a killer bug must have swept the colony as they all died.
The only good thing I have to say about this is it's very durable; I bruised my metacarpal whilst punting it into the bin.
#3 Ant farm subsidies March 22, 2002
Reviewer: Susie from Omaha, NE USA
We got an ant farm for my oldest son when he was 10. Then by sheer genius,(he was a very precosious boy) he said: "Hey, they subsidize real farmers, maybe we should subsidize them and tell them NOT to do anything with the 'south 40' for a season or two!" They seemed to quit early and go home when it came to the 'south 40' area anyway,being farther away from their nest and so many obstacles to get through to get there,(we had bits of Lincoln logs scattered around to see the little "he-men" ants carry 100 million times their weight)... so it worked out very nicely. These particular ants were a bit sluggish when we first got them, but with the subsidies, they were able to add some bulk to their wee bodies in the "off season" and then cleaned up the South 40 with a vengeance the next time around. But then like everything, the newness wore off and they started to whine and want more subsidies while doing less around the place, so we took them to the local Ant Shelter. We hope the farm didn't break landing on the concrete floor after going through the pet depository chute. Now years later, the ant farm long gone, we still remember the fun and the learning experience. Yes a very educational toy it is!
#4 U. Milton's Ant Farm a fun way to learn about Toil & Death July 25, 2000
Reviewer: A guest from Sandy Springs, GA USA
Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm is a fun, interactive way to teach children ages 5 and up about unceasing, backbreaking toil and the cold, inescapable reality of death. My little ones had a front-row seat as worker ants labored, day in and day out, until they inevitably died of exhaustion, their futile efforts all for naught. The ant farm, complete with stackable tiny ant barns, see-through 'Antway' travel tubes, and connecting 'Antports,' is a child's window into the years of thankless, grueling labor that await them as worker drones in our post-industrial society. It's the fun way to teach your kids to accept their miserable fate stoically. The ants, which come separately from the farm, are bred in New Mexico and mailed directly to your home. Within days of arriving, a majority of the ants die at the hands of the small children responsible for regulating the temperature, humidity, and food supply in their delicate pseudo-ecosystem. Even under optimum conditions the ants survive no more than 20 weeks in the farm. As a result, children are assured the chance to contemplate the inescapability of their own mortality and the whole family will be reminded that the spectre of death hangs over every creature on this Earth. The lesson that the ants' labor is all in vain becomes clearer as time passes. During the first two to three weeks, the exclusively female worker ants are extremely productive, building an elaborate system of tunnels and hills amongst the miniature green trees and red plastic houses dotting the interior of the plastic dome. However, because neither male ants nor a fertile queen is provided with Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm, making reproduction impossible, the farm is doomed to extinction from day one. You'll learn such fascinating things about the natural world, like the fact that the social structure of an ant colony is extremely complex, with individual members occupying such castes as soldier, messenger, and larvae attendant. At some point, Uncle Milton's ants become cognizant that their hierarchical structure has been stripped away, rendering their already near-meaningless existence totally futile. There seems to be a breaking point at about the 22-day mark when the dejected ants begin to die off en masse. At this point the ant farm enters what is known as the "death-pile phase." A spot is chosen by the worker ants to deposit their dead, and the burial mound steadily grows as the few remaining ants devote more of their time to gathering and burying others. Yes, with Uncle Milton's Giant Ant Farm, arbeit macht fun!
posted by lulu | 7:40 AM
1 Comments:
This valuable information leaves Consumer Reports in the ashcan of shopping history. I'm forwarding your remarks and reviews to all the socially conscious last-minute shoppers in my extended family. Uncle Milton had better hired more people just to fill the orders.
I hope Stevie enjoys his easy-bake oven with a skull on the front.
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