By God, There Oughta Be a LAW.
Allow me to recap my shoulda-been-brief foray into Errandland today during lunch:
Mission #1: Return clothes to Old Navy sans receipt.
I go into Old Navy and walk directly to the check-out. There are two people in front of me. The cashier is on the phone--never good. But the ONE other open check-out looks unpromising. As I stand there, the other long line begins to clear as disciplined shoppers buy just a couple of things and pay with (gulp!) cash! First woman clears. The woman in front of me . . . has stuff to return!! And a deceptively large amount of stuff to buy!! And stories to tell about how her husband needs workout wear!! (NOOOOOOO!!!!) and then, by god, she opens a store credit card.
My transaction, when it finally occurs, takes about 57 seconds.
Mission #2: Get a desklamp at Target.
Visibly shaken from Mission #1, I stumble into Target and go to the wrong department looking for lamps. I remember the right department, pick out the lamp, and ALMOST get sucked into Target Frame Vortex but narrowly escape. Only 3 checkout lines are open (come ON Target!). I go to the express (10 items or less), and there are 3 people in front of me. The woman directly in front of me looks around as if to catch my eye and share our disgust of customer #2, who not only has more than 10 items, she organizes two GROUPS of more than 10 items, as if she is going to pay for one group with cash and another group with a gift card or some such crap. She is breaking the courtesy law TWICE. We stand there and stand there. I check out the pre-packaged Rice Krispy Treat boxes in the Impulse Shopping zone at the head of the checkout. Those things don't compare to my marshmallow-heavy version, but I notice that there are exactly 16 and there are exactly 16 snot-nosed kindergartners in Stevie's class and his last snack day is next Tuesday. About this time, a helpful Target Team Member Associate tells me that, if I go to Aisle 14, I can be the next in line! Quickly, I snag the treats and hoof it down to 14 with my (now) 2 items. There's one of those old hippie women in front of me. She has two ponytails in her 55-year old dyed-many colors hair and a shiny gold jacket and she's just not well-put-together and coming from me, that's a real put-down. Still, I stand there loving her because we're all just beings looking for happiness and at least she doesn't look like a suburban tool. Loving her, that is, until it becomes apparent that her line manners are as scattered as her appearance and she takes literally forever to take two items out of her cart . . . and then come BACK and pull her cart forward . . . and then pull out her wallet, figure out the bewildering credit card machine with the baffling instructions that say "PUT CARD HERE", and then proceeds to tell the cashier all about her artsy-fartsy day. I wonder if she has ever held a real job and find myself missing the express line. Gee, thanks, Target Team Member Associate, for saving me SOOOOO much time!
Mission #3: Get lunch from Skyline because there are too many people at Taco Bell.
I saw this one coming. An SUV decides at the last minute to turn left--right in front of me--into Skyline and slowly makes its way to the board. The two women inside have never been to Skyline and are stymied by their 7 offerings. Finally they order and move forward. It takes me 12 seconds to order. At the window, they take literally forever to get their order. I was expecting bags and bags and was boiling mad when one bag goes from window to behemoth.
Total time for missions: nearly 1 hour.
Mission #1: Return clothes to Old Navy sans receipt.
I go into Old Navy and walk directly to the check-out. There are two people in front of me. The cashier is on the phone--never good. But the ONE other open check-out looks unpromising. As I stand there, the other long line begins to clear as disciplined shoppers buy just a couple of things and pay with (gulp!) cash! First woman clears. The woman in front of me . . . has stuff to return!! And a deceptively large amount of stuff to buy!! And stories to tell about how her husband needs workout wear!! (NOOOOOOO!!!!) and then, by god, she opens a store credit card.
My transaction, when it finally occurs, takes about 57 seconds.
Mission #2: Get a desklamp at Target.
Visibly shaken from Mission #1, I stumble into Target and go to the wrong department looking for lamps. I remember the right department, pick out the lamp, and ALMOST get sucked into Target Frame Vortex but narrowly escape. Only 3 checkout lines are open (come ON Target!). I go to the express (10 items or less), and there are 3 people in front of me. The woman directly in front of me looks around as if to catch my eye and share our disgust of customer #2, who not only has more than 10 items, she organizes two GROUPS of more than 10 items, as if she is going to pay for one group with cash and another group with a gift card or some such crap. She is breaking the courtesy law TWICE. We stand there and stand there. I check out the pre-packaged Rice Krispy Treat boxes in the Impulse Shopping zone at the head of the checkout. Those things don't compare to my marshmallow-heavy version, but I notice that there are exactly 16 and there are exactly 16 snot-nosed kindergartners in Stevie's class and his last snack day is next Tuesday. About this time, a helpful Target Team Member Associate tells me that, if I go to Aisle 14, I can be the next in line! Quickly, I snag the treats and hoof it down to 14 with my (now) 2 items. There's one of those old hippie women in front of me. She has two ponytails in her 55-year old dyed-many colors hair and a shiny gold jacket and she's just not well-put-together and coming from me, that's a real put-down. Still, I stand there loving her because we're all just beings looking for happiness and at least she doesn't look like a suburban tool. Loving her, that is, until it becomes apparent that her line manners are as scattered as her appearance and she takes literally forever to take two items out of her cart . . . and then come BACK and pull her cart forward . . . and then pull out her wallet, figure out the bewildering credit card machine with the baffling instructions that say "PUT CARD HERE", and then proceeds to tell the cashier all about her artsy-fartsy day. I wonder if she has ever held a real job and find myself missing the express line. Gee, thanks, Target Team Member Associate, for saving me SOOOOO much time!
Mission #3: Get lunch from Skyline because there are too many people at Taco Bell.
I saw this one coming. An SUV decides at the last minute to turn left--right in front of me--into Skyline and slowly makes its way to the board. The two women inside have never been to Skyline and are stymied by their 7 offerings. Finally they order and move forward. It takes me 12 seconds to order. At the window, they take literally forever to get their order. I was expecting bags and bags and was boiling mad when one bag goes from window to behemoth.
Total time for missions: nearly 1 hour.
posted by lulu | 1:09 PM
1 Comments:
alternate title: By Law, There Oughta Be a God (and soon there will be, by law)
I feel such compassion for you and your hectic suburban lifestyle. Now I think I'll return to my cabin in the woods of Methodistville and finish weaving my new hemp overalls by hand. Target, is that some kind of store?
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