The Vulva of My Dreams
This is an actual ad that my parents brought me from a newspaper in--where else?--southern Florida:
Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation
Treats Vaginal Relaxation Thereby Enhancing Sexual Gratification
Designer Laser Vaginoplasty
Specifically for the Beautification of the Vulvar Structures
LET US HELP YOU DESIGN THE VULVA OF YOUR DREAMS
There's really no need to comment further. But I will.
How in the Sam Hell do we get to this point as a society? Must ALL women be strippified and Hustlerized and Playmate-sized? Do the people in this society--or at least in Miami--have a collective vision of what a vulva should be? Must we cut and slash, wash and wax, moisten and pinken and plumpen our apparently oversized, ill-aligned, off-color, odiferous, hairy vulvular structure?
Now, the first part--the so-called "vaginal rejuvenation"--isn't quite as repulsive to me. After two children, I can appreciate Kegels. Wait! That's right!! KEGELS! NOT FUCKING "FUCKING SURGERY"! Not "re-virginization". How fucking stupid can we be? Will I soon be subject to a bunch of plastic-y trophy wives opening up on Oprah about how they used to feel ashamed of their flabby labia but now, after pressure from their unspeakably horrible businessman husbands and an asshole, money-grubbing doctor who took a knife to a nerve-rich area ("What could go wrong, babydoll?") they are "bravely" baring all in Playboy's "Dumbshit Pampered Wives of South Beach Executives" issue? Will I? WILL I?
Because I just don't know if I can take it. I may just have to crawl into the comfort of my socially-unacceptable, childbirth-wracked labia and take a wittle nappy.
Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation
Treats Vaginal Relaxation Thereby Enhancing Sexual Gratification
Designer Laser Vaginoplasty
Specifically for the Beautification of the Vulvar Structures
LET US HELP YOU DESIGN THE VULVA OF YOUR DREAMS
There's really no need to comment further. But I will.
How in the Sam Hell do we get to this point as a society? Must ALL women be strippified and Hustlerized and Playmate-sized? Do the people in this society--or at least in Miami--have a collective vision of what a vulva should be? Must we cut and slash, wash and wax, moisten and pinken and plumpen our apparently oversized, ill-aligned, off-color, odiferous, hairy vulvular structure?
Now, the first part--the so-called "vaginal rejuvenation"--isn't quite as repulsive to me. After two children, I can appreciate Kegels. Wait! That's right!! KEGELS! NOT FUCKING "FUCKING SURGERY"! Not "re-virginization". How fucking stupid can we be? Will I soon be subject to a bunch of plastic-y trophy wives opening up on Oprah about how they used to feel ashamed of their flabby labia but now, after pressure from their unspeakably horrible businessman husbands and an asshole, money-grubbing doctor who took a knife to a nerve-rich area ("What could go wrong, babydoll?") they are "bravely" baring all in Playboy's "Dumbshit Pampered Wives of South Beach Executives" issue? Will I? WILL I?
Because I just don't know if I can take it. I may just have to crawl into the comfort of my socially-unacceptable, childbirth-wracked labia and take a wittle nappy.
posted by lulu | 6:05 AM
3 Comments:
Between the stories you share about your cracked, scabbed nipples and your childbirth-wracked labia, I feel like I know you on a much more intimate level than I ever anticipated.
Thanks for sharing!
It's just fun with English! Colorful language! Childbirth doesn't "wrack" one's labia! (In most cases.) And scabs heal.
It's all part of being a gal. A real, 100% natural w.o.m.a.n. Like Reese Witherspoon! Not some faux-tanned replicant walking around in her Stepford McMansion.
Enough already about your nice, upscale Swedish car! You liberals are all alike, bashing rich people and their status symbols in one breath and flaunting your ultra-hip, family-friendly, socialist Volvo V70 in the next.
Oh, you meant your... Never mind.
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