P.J. and the Bear (AKA . . . "KONG!!!")
First, a story: Craving Skittles, which is a bit out-of-character, I made my way to the local vending machine and, for once, no Skittles. Just very sour things and chocolate and the odd Pop Tart. I decided to take the hard road and head one floor down, by stair, to another vending machine and, then, was it luck? A bit of magic? Or was it Jesus? No matter, because there, three rows up and all the way to the right, was a bag of Skittles. NORMAL Skittles. NOT "Wild Berry Skittles", or "Smoothie Skittles", but "regular". And it was the last bag--the last bag before the bags of "Limited Edition" Skittles with strawberry smoothie Skittles in place of my favorite red.
Why are there "Limited Edition" Skittles? Do people collect Skittles now? My hatred of all things labeled "Limited" or "Special Edition" probably started with "Limited Edition Eddie Bauer" Ford Expeditions. The Truman Show-esque nature of all brands merging and reproducing like a seething pit of horny snakes really turned me off. And they even have car seats to match! Eddie Bauer car seats to put in your forest green ("mommy, what's a forest?") and camel suburban camels. What's that? They're selling a "lifestyle"? Fuck them!
On with the review. Remember when I said I was going to start writing reviews? Well, I don't get to see a lot of movies. I Netflixed all of the "Curb Your Enthusiasms" and fail to see how many movies could be funnier or contain such an appealing anti-hero. I give "CYE" an A+, baby, A+. King Kong? D!!! That movie sucked! I don't even know why I'm giving it a D instead of an F.
Maybe it's because I fell a little bit in love with Kong.
Yah right! You know, you can't fall in love with a giant ape in the 80 harrowing minutes that Naomi Watts got to spend with him. Amusing your captor with Bangles-ish Egyptian walk antics to stay alive is hardly falling-in-love backdrop fodder. Sure, he was the last of his kind and that's kinda sad, but I've watched sunsets with lots of guys and only fell in love with one or two of them. And only the cute ones. The cute ones with genitals that were capable of coupling with mine. So that whole "awwww, they're in wuv!" vibe was totally stupid. At most, they were co-dependent, just trying to make their way in the world today. Which takes everything you got.
There were SO MANY plot holes in this movie! I don't even have time to talk about them. See Burb's review at www.whywontyougrow.blogspot.com for a lengthy and funny recap. As for me, the only thing I'll add is the ridiculousness of Naomi Watts running around a sub-freezing Manhattan ALL NIGHT, in a SLIPDRESS, and then standing on TOP of the Empire State Building, and then CLIMBING A METAL LADDER to the very tippy top, all while wearing a slipdress remember, and suffering no ill effects, including the red, snot-dripping nose that would have ruined her perfectly dewy, most-beautiful-rose-you've-ever-seen face. Stupid. Totally. Totally stupid!
My lunch buddies were somewhat puzzled as to why Kevin and I would let Stevie watch Lord of the Rings, with all of the genuinely scary Uruk-Hai and the more bug-like-so-not-as-scary Orcs, and yet both of us deemed Kong 'too much'. I puzzled over it, too. The scene with the natives? That was pretty freaky--those natives were actually scary looking, and absolutely without mercy, and I think I'd rather take on a Berserker. (Side Note: For all of you unfortunates who have not seen LOTR, "Berserkers", besides having an awesome name, were the scariest of the Uruk-Hai who were, as I have previously mentioned, scarier than the Orcs. They heave 5-foot long cleavers with a big jutty thing on the end--just perfect for emptying your skull of all its contents--and wear helmets a la Jason in Friday the 13th only as creepy as Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs. AND their helmets are filled with blood. HUMAN blood.)I don't know why, but I am prejudiced against creepy, blood-starved-yet-smiling little girls with jagged teeth. I pummeled one in the scariest dream I ever had. Of course, I recently had a bad dream about a Berserker, too. It centered around a Berserker attack that resembled In Cold Blood--like wouldn't it suck if a pack of Berserkers bore down on my little house in Homeburg? And me without a Keep!
But, all scientific logic aside, the reason behind the shunning of Kong as "too much" for Stevie is based on the fact that it sucks. If you're going to scare the shit out of your kids, make sure the movie is a good one--one that you wouldn't mind them remaking one day. It's just too bad that Peter Jackson's parents weren't the conscientious parents that Kevin and I are. Too, too bad.
Why are there "Limited Edition" Skittles? Do people collect Skittles now? My hatred of all things labeled "Limited" or "Special Edition" probably started with "Limited Edition Eddie Bauer" Ford Expeditions. The Truman Show-esque nature of all brands merging and reproducing like a seething pit of horny snakes really turned me off. And they even have car seats to match! Eddie Bauer car seats to put in your forest green ("mommy, what's a forest?") and camel suburban camels. What's that? They're selling a "lifestyle"? Fuck them!
On with the review. Remember when I said I was going to start writing reviews? Well, I don't get to see a lot of movies. I Netflixed all of the "Curb Your Enthusiasms" and fail to see how many movies could be funnier or contain such an appealing anti-hero. I give "CYE" an A+, baby, A+. King Kong? D!!! That movie sucked! I don't even know why I'm giving it a D instead of an F.
Maybe it's because I fell a little bit in love with Kong.
Yah right! You know, you can't fall in love with a giant ape in the 80 harrowing minutes that Naomi Watts got to spend with him. Amusing your captor with Bangles-ish Egyptian walk antics to stay alive is hardly falling-in-love backdrop fodder. Sure, he was the last of his kind and that's kinda sad, but I've watched sunsets with lots of guys and only fell in love with one or two of them. And only the cute ones. The cute ones with genitals that were capable of coupling with mine. So that whole "awwww, they're in wuv!" vibe was totally stupid. At most, they were co-dependent, just trying to make their way in the world today. Which takes everything you got.
There were SO MANY plot holes in this movie! I don't even have time to talk about them. See Burb's review at www.whywontyougrow.blogspot.com for a lengthy and funny recap. As for me, the only thing I'll add is the ridiculousness of Naomi Watts running around a sub-freezing Manhattan ALL NIGHT, in a SLIPDRESS, and then standing on TOP of the Empire State Building, and then CLIMBING A METAL LADDER to the very tippy top, all while wearing a slipdress remember, and suffering no ill effects, including the red, snot-dripping nose that would have ruined her perfectly dewy, most-beautiful-rose-you've-ever-seen face. Stupid. Totally. Totally stupid!
My lunch buddies were somewhat puzzled as to why Kevin and I would let Stevie watch Lord of the Rings, with all of the genuinely scary Uruk-Hai and the more bug-like-so-not-as-scary Orcs, and yet both of us deemed Kong 'too much'. I puzzled over it, too. The scene with the natives? That was pretty freaky--those natives were actually scary looking, and absolutely without mercy, and I think I'd rather take on a Berserker. (Side Note: For all of you unfortunates who have not seen LOTR, "Berserkers", besides having an awesome name, were the scariest of the Uruk-Hai who were, as I have previously mentioned, scarier than the Orcs. They heave 5-foot long cleavers with a big jutty thing on the end--just perfect for emptying your skull of all its contents--and wear helmets a la Jason in Friday the 13th only as creepy as Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs. AND their helmets are filled with blood. HUMAN blood.)I don't know why, but I am prejudiced against creepy, blood-starved-yet-smiling little girls with jagged teeth. I pummeled one in the scariest dream I ever had. Of course, I recently had a bad dream about a Berserker, too. It centered around a Berserker attack that resembled In Cold Blood--like wouldn't it suck if a pack of Berserkers bore down on my little house in Homeburg? And me without a Keep!
But, all scientific logic aside, the reason behind the shunning of Kong as "too much" for Stevie is based on the fact that it sucks. If you're going to scare the shit out of your kids, make sure the movie is a good one--one that you wouldn't mind them remaking one day. It's just too bad that Peter Jackson's parents weren't the conscientious parents that Kevin and I are. Too, too bad.
posted by lulu | 11:26 AM
3 Comments:
Oh yes, Kong did suck. I pity you renting it and having to endure it on the small screen at home--at least when I saw it, it was in the theater with a bunch of people with whom I could commiserate in laughing derision at the absurdity of the whole thing. (Oh Naomi, how could you? You, of Mulholland Drive and The Ring, where your subtle and brilliant emoting made me BELIEVE and cry and fall in love with you . . . and then this obscene pile of utter stinking crap. During your "dancing" scene, I felt so ashamed and embarassed for you I actually tried to disappear into the depths of my comfy movie chair . . . )
On the other other hand, if not for this movie, we would never have been treated to the "seething pit of horny snakes" metaphor, which kind of made my day.
And I totally agree with the idea that you should only let your kids see movies that might be a bit too mature for them if the movie has some kind of redeeming value. Which this one did not. Lulu, you might be the best parent EVER.
I feel you on the Skittles issue. I've often had the same problem when trying to find regular Starburst.
Also, I kinda liked "King Kong." But I'll keep quiet about it.
Spec! You kinda liked King Kong but dissed 40-Year-Old Virgin???
You've changed. Sniff! <:-(
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