She's a Superfreak.
Yeah, I'm superfreakin'. I'm yelling at the kids at high volume. I kicked the dishwasher. I just want to be left alone!
Today I put the final hours into my April 'hours worked/cover my ass' document. Last week I worked 53 hours. And that's solid work--no breaks, no lingering lunches, no in-depth chatting (can you 'chat' 'in-depth'?). In the month of April, I worked 45 hours beyond full-time. Here at the end of April, it has caught up with me.
The kicker is that I don't even feel that productive. I'm surrounded by loitering projects. If I took the time to set mini-goals, I'd never have time for anything else. Things do get done, but there's always so much on the immediate horizon. I know that many of you can relate to this. Some of you no doubt feel no pity for my measly extra week's worth of work!
To make matters worse, I'm feeling jealous of someone right now. I haven't been jealous in a long time. It's Midlife Crisis, Pt. 2. I've been reviewing the facebook profile of someone who will probably ride through Paris, in a sportscar, with the warm wind in her hair when she reaches the age of 37. And she'll look fabulous and sexy and carefree. All those things that I am not at present (as I sit here, in a little house that I don't own, in aged overalls, sporting a greasy ponytail). And I'm looking around my dirty house and wondering if this is it. This is it for me? The Midwest, cows, kids, extra pounds, debt? Will I never develop some sort of spiritually-fulfilling discipline, or go somewhere really cool? Will I ever own even a few pretty things? Yikes.
I know, I know--get some perspective. Look at the things I DO have. Hey--I'm wallowin' here! Suffer me. Perhaps there's a reason for the wallowing. Maybe this is the deep thought that I need. Yesterday in my office I took about 90 seconds to put my feet on the desk, my hands behind my head, and think about a solution to a problem. I caught myself thinking that I need to do more of that. And not just at work.
I've gotta shake myself loose of this crap. Why am I looking outside of myself for some sort of answer? I know better than that. I'm having trouble deciding just what it is that I really want out of this life, and what kind of person I want to be. Well, I kinda know what I want to be, but how much am I willing to work to get there?
Today I put the final hours into my April 'hours worked/cover my ass' document. Last week I worked 53 hours. And that's solid work--no breaks, no lingering lunches, no in-depth chatting (can you 'chat' 'in-depth'?). In the month of April, I worked 45 hours beyond full-time. Here at the end of April, it has caught up with me.
The kicker is that I don't even feel that productive. I'm surrounded by loitering projects. If I took the time to set mini-goals, I'd never have time for anything else. Things do get done, but there's always so much on the immediate horizon. I know that many of you can relate to this. Some of you no doubt feel no pity for my measly extra week's worth of work!
To make matters worse, I'm feeling jealous of someone right now. I haven't been jealous in a long time. It's Midlife Crisis, Pt. 2. I've been reviewing the facebook profile of someone who will probably ride through Paris, in a sportscar, with the warm wind in her hair when she reaches the age of 37. And she'll look fabulous and sexy and carefree. All those things that I am not at present (as I sit here, in a little house that I don't own, in aged overalls, sporting a greasy ponytail). And I'm looking around my dirty house and wondering if this is it. This is it for me? The Midwest, cows, kids, extra pounds, debt? Will I never develop some sort of spiritually-fulfilling discipline, or go somewhere really cool? Will I ever own even a few pretty things? Yikes.
I know, I know--get some perspective. Look at the things I DO have. Hey--I'm wallowin' here! Suffer me. Perhaps there's a reason for the wallowing. Maybe this is the deep thought that I need. Yesterday in my office I took about 90 seconds to put my feet on the desk, my hands behind my head, and think about a solution to a problem. I caught myself thinking that I need to do more of that. And not just at work.
I've gotta shake myself loose of this crap. Why am I looking outside of myself for some sort of answer? I know better than that. I'm having trouble deciding just what it is that I really want out of this life, and what kind of person I want to be. Well, I kinda know what I want to be, but how much am I willing to work to get there?
posted by lulu | 7:22 PM
2 Comments:
Don't apologize for pausing to let your complaints and frustrations out. (Lord knows I've done it in a similar space . . . and recently.)
I wish I had something more directly helpful to suggest. But I will say that I trust in your ability to find what works for you. What I know of you is that you can find your way toward the things that you really want.
And when you get there, you'll be stronger for having done it YOUR way.
I know how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about it. I do think it's part of where we are in our lives right now. Pretty normal. I'm betting your friend that you're jealous of has her own secret regrets and wishes unfulfilled. We all do. I say, pick one and work on it. It will make you feel so much better. Just one. An attainable one.
Lynda
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