Countries of the World Barbies...I Mean "Women"...No, "Barbies"
Sucked in by the glamour, I watched a bit of the Miss Universe pageant last night. I didn't MEAN to, it's just that I was about to start "Office Space" and do a little hand quilting and there it was...15 of The World's Most Beautiful Women©™® strutting down the stage (with some inane 3 boy/3 girl Mexican pop act rattling and "dancing" in the background, all with teeth so straight and white...I woulda sworn they were dentures! There is a limit to what you should do to beautify your teeth) wearing nothing but an animal print bikini and carrying a lovely golden sash that allowed them to cavort and pose like so many little girls playing dress-up in front of a mirror.
Oh, it was hideous. And yet I couldn't turn away (except for the commercials). And the fact that it's co-owned by megalomaniac self-promoter Donald Trump and makes no concessions to being a "talent" or "poise" contest (for our slimmest girls) makes it even more so. They make no bones about the grossly sexist swill they're swilling...well, I can kinda respect that, actually. Better to call a spade a spade than call it "art" or "a scholarship contest" (for our slimmest girls) or some bullshit like that. They even advertised the bikini contest by saying that they would be wearing "nothing but a bikini and high heals!" Still, to be really truthful, they need to go that one extra step and just SAY "Coming up next! Fifteen nearly identical (regardless of continent of origin--I mean, it was fucking FREAKY how much alike they ALL looked! Except for a flat-out bald Miss Africa, they ALL had the exact same hair. Must've all come from the same factory) versions of what the world sees as "beautiful women", but we'll call them girls, take off most of their clothes and walk around so you can assess their asses (and don't forget their tits)!
Why not a wet t-shirt contest? Install a couple of poles on the stage and judge them for creative use of their golden sash? Or, better yet, how about a big, softcore bi-curious fuckfest, right there in front of the "billion" people that Donald Trump is claiming watch this extravaganza? (I'm watching only to get fodder for my blog--as a civil service, if you will). I guess these women are too classy for that. A lot more than a billion people would watch it, though. Seriously--are we that far away from this?
It did get interesting, though, after Miss U.S.A. sauntered out in her cut-down-to-there evening gown and fell on her ass. Priceless. She smiled like a good little princess. But when SHE got picked for the top 5, and Miss Mexico (the hometown favorite) DIDN'T, oh the shit started to fly as if the place was stuffed with rowdy and well-fed monkeys. When the 5 came up to answer their incredibly pointless question, the audience started to BOO! "Why, exactly, are they booing?" I wanted to know. I thought they felt jilted because Miss U.S.A. fell on her ass, Miss Mexico didn't, and yet here is Miss U.S.A. in the Top 5! That ain't right! They quieted down for the first three contestants but, when Miss U.S.A. stepped up...ah, THAT'S what pissed them off. International immigration laws. Why, I just felt like sending a bunch of billion dollar fighter jets down to Mehico City and bombing the shit out of those, well, you know. But who would make my consumer goods? Only after she spoke a few Spanish words, a la our dumbass commander-in-chief, did the crowd let up on her.
Now THAT'S good T.V.
Miss Japan won. Miss U.S.A. got 4th-runner up. A nod to international diplomacy? Or was Dave Navarro, startlingly-everpresent celebrity judge, just trying to avoid getting knifed in the backstreets?
In perusing this story, I saw some pictures of a pre-pageant T&A-fest wherein the women paraded around in their country's "traditional prostitute" garb. Miss U.S.A. wore a sparkly Elvis jumpsuit with an American flag guitar. Can you believe this is what passes for "traditional prostitute" around here? Are we that starved for a little culture? Surely some costume shop had an old "Slutty Pocahontas" suit in the mothballs, or "Slutty Pilgrim". Miss Japan wore an S&M samurai get-up. Really--you should check it out. But what struck me was their incredible resemblance to my bizarre-to-have,-I-know Barbies of the World collection. Only my Barbies of the World aren't showing that kind of skin. They are too classy for that.
Oh, it was hideous. And yet I couldn't turn away (except for the commercials). And the fact that it's co-owned by megalomaniac self-promoter Donald Trump and makes no concessions to being a "talent" or "poise" contest (for our slimmest girls) makes it even more so. They make no bones about the grossly sexist swill they're swilling...well, I can kinda respect that, actually. Better to call a spade a spade than call it "art" or "a scholarship contest" (for our slimmest girls) or some bullshit like that. They even advertised the bikini contest by saying that they would be wearing "nothing but a bikini and high heals!" Still, to be really truthful, they need to go that one extra step and just SAY "Coming up next! Fifteen nearly identical (regardless of continent of origin--I mean, it was fucking FREAKY how much alike they ALL looked! Except for a flat-out bald Miss Africa, they ALL had the exact same hair. Must've all come from the same factory) versions of what the world sees as "beautiful women", but we'll call them girls, take off most of their clothes and walk around so you can assess their asses (and don't forget their tits)!
Why not a wet t-shirt contest? Install a couple of poles on the stage and judge them for creative use of their golden sash? Or, better yet, how about a big, softcore bi-curious fuckfest, right there in front of the "billion" people that Donald Trump is claiming watch this extravaganza? (I'm watching only to get fodder for my blog--as a civil service, if you will). I guess these women are too classy for that. A lot more than a billion people would watch it, though. Seriously--are we that far away from this?
It did get interesting, though, after Miss U.S.A. sauntered out in her cut-down-to-there evening gown and fell on her ass. Priceless. She smiled like a good little princess. But when SHE got picked for the top 5, and Miss Mexico (the hometown favorite) DIDN'T, oh the shit started to fly as if the place was stuffed with rowdy and well-fed monkeys. When the 5 came up to answer their incredibly pointless question, the audience started to BOO! "Why, exactly, are they booing?" I wanted to know. I thought they felt jilted because Miss U.S.A. fell on her ass, Miss Mexico didn't, and yet here is Miss U.S.A. in the Top 5! That ain't right! They quieted down for the first three contestants but, when Miss U.S.A. stepped up...ah, THAT'S what pissed them off. International immigration laws. Why, I just felt like sending a bunch of billion dollar fighter jets down to Mehico City and bombing the shit out of those, well, you know. But who would make my consumer goods? Only after she spoke a few Spanish words, a la our dumbass commander-in-chief, did the crowd let up on her.
Now THAT'S good T.V.
Miss Japan won. Miss U.S.A. got 4th-runner up. A nod to international diplomacy? Or was Dave Navarro, startlingly-everpresent celebrity judge, just trying to avoid getting knifed in the backstreets?
In perusing this story, I saw some pictures of a pre-pageant T&A-fest wherein the women paraded around in their country's "traditional prostitute" garb. Miss U.S.A. wore a sparkly Elvis jumpsuit with an American flag guitar. Can you believe this is what passes for "traditional prostitute" around here? Are we that starved for a little culture? Surely some costume shop had an old "Slutty Pocahontas" suit in the mothballs, or "Slutty Pilgrim". Miss Japan wore an S&M samurai get-up. Really--you should check it out. But what struck me was their incredible resemblance to my bizarre-to-have,-I-know Barbies of the World collection. Only my Barbies of the World aren't showing that kind of skin. They are too classy for that.
posted by lulu | 6:54 AM
2 Comments:
Let us all gag and wretch in unison as Trump et al. bring their twisted culture of consumption and superficiality to the global marketplace. When the victims clamber and compete enthusiastically to be imprisoned and exploited, hegemony is at hand. Barbies of the World, Unite!!!
I hope you shielded Space Barbie from exposure to this debacle. Although her beauty is surely enough to compete with any live dolls walking around out there, she is too involved in her pursuit of scientific and technological knowledge to be concerned with such banalities.
This whole thing reminds me of what in retrospect is a rather disturbing conversation with my father about how all the women in Playboy look exactly alike. According to my dad, "Airbrushed is airbrushed!"
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