Stop Judging Me, Woman!
It's been a surprisingly long time--long enough to give me false hope. However, last night, my m-i-l pissed me off.
When I pulled into the drive last night, my parents-in-law, an uncle, and a cousin were chatting. I unloaded the kids, and Mark and I joined the chat. Soon enough, the only people left were my m-i-l, Mark, and me. I was flipping Mark around, throwing him up and catching him. When I put him down, he'd run right back to me. This was enjoyable for all.
I put him down again and, again, he ran right back. I asked in that mommy-to-adorable-baby tone "Why do you keep running back to me, Marky?" and m-i-l immediately answered...
"Because he misses you, mom.... You put him in day care all day."
And that's not the first time. It's probably the 5th or 6th time she's dug into that particular wound-that's-not-really-a-wound.
I said, in a "light, jovial" tone, "Don't try to guilt trip me, Beth." (I picked up Mark and began walking away) "Marky, tell your grandma that when she wants to start supporting us, you can stay home from daycare." Light laughter, and we're on our way down to Stevie, who is freaking out because he can't ride his bike on the driveway because the cracks in the asphalt have just been sealed.
Remember--this is all from a woman who constantly cracks on her own stay-at-home-mom daughter for turning her grandchild into a clingy monster who is holding his mother and hated new brother hostage because he throws screaming fits anytime his mom's attention is not 100% focused on HIM. (My sister-in-law, by the way, realizes that she may have overdone it and is trying to make amends.) And this is also from a woman who once told me that, while she hated waiting so long for grandchildren, she's glad that her daughter waited to have them until she could "stay at home with them while they're little". So I know what she's thinking.
And then it began to fester. And then, while I waited for an ever-later Kevin to get home (an hour went by!), it festered more. I took Mark outside and started picking up pecans and missing my own mother--who would never say crap like that--and all my friends at the Hill, whom I could vent to on a daily basis if need be. I missed Ted and Judi, stalwarts in the ongoing struggle against m-i-l stereotypes (she fits it big time, Flip). And then I felt really lonely and wanted to watch that Netflix movie that's been sitting around, the one about a young widow who goes off to an uncertain future in Wyoming in someone else's house. It seemed relevant somehow.
And here's why the wound isn't really a wound: I am an advocate for daycare! Good daycare. And that's where Marky is. I can't quote you studies, but I can tell you that kids who've gone to quality daycare and then home to quality parents tend to thrive in the real world--meaning the world beyond their own living rooms with no one around but their own mom. And I say "mom" because, in this scenario, it's only up to mom to make the decision on whether to stay home or "leave him in daycare all day"--her son has nothing to do with this (mostly) non-existent "choice".
What do these tiny daycare prisoners gain?
1. Self-sufficiency
2. The ability to deal with other adult authority figures
3. The ability to get along with other kids
4. The important ability to tune-out other kids
5. The chance to play and learn all day with people who know a damn sight more than I do about early childhood development
6. There's more, but those are the big ones, except healthy immune systems and...
7. Food, shelter, clothing, toys, vacations, art supplies, savings plans, cars filled with gas to take them places--places that usually have an admission fee, and--oh yeah!--parents, including FEMALE parents, who get to use their education and talents to build a business or career/serve the community/volunteer and otherwise thrive in the real world--the world beyond their own living rooms with no one around but their kids.
This is important: I am, in NO WAY, saying that moms or dads who DO stay home for whatever reason are having some sort of negative impact on their kids, or aren't thriving or sharing their own talents and gifts, etc. To each parent, her or his own. Period. In my house, both parents working is not only necessary but desirable. I have the flexibility I need to tend for my kids in the way I see fit, so I'm good. And, even if I could stay home full-time, I can guarantee you that my kids would be in daycare at least part-time.
The bottom line is that good parents with the intention of producing independent and responsible and happy children often do, no matter how they go about it. Period. And they can do without those "light" but heavily-loaded judgments.
When I pulled into the drive last night, my parents-in-law, an uncle, and a cousin were chatting. I unloaded the kids, and Mark and I joined the chat. Soon enough, the only people left were my m-i-l, Mark, and me. I was flipping Mark around, throwing him up and catching him. When I put him down, he'd run right back to me. This was enjoyable for all.
I put him down again and, again, he ran right back. I asked in that mommy-to-adorable-baby tone "Why do you keep running back to me, Marky?" and m-i-l immediately answered...
"Because he misses you, mom.... You put him in day care all day."
And that's not the first time. It's probably the 5th or 6th time she's dug into that particular wound-that's-not-really-a-wound.
I said, in a "light, jovial" tone, "Don't try to guilt trip me, Beth." (I picked up Mark and began walking away) "Marky, tell your grandma that when she wants to start supporting us, you can stay home from daycare." Light laughter, and we're on our way down to Stevie, who is freaking out because he can't ride his bike on the driveway because the cracks in the asphalt have just been sealed.
Remember--this is all from a woman who constantly cracks on her own stay-at-home-mom daughter for turning her grandchild into a clingy monster who is holding his mother and hated new brother hostage because he throws screaming fits anytime his mom's attention is not 100% focused on HIM. (My sister-in-law, by the way, realizes that she may have overdone it and is trying to make amends.) And this is also from a woman who once told me that, while she hated waiting so long for grandchildren, she's glad that her daughter waited to have them until she could "stay at home with them while they're little". So I know what she's thinking.
And then it began to fester. And then, while I waited for an ever-later Kevin to get home (an hour went by!), it festered more. I took Mark outside and started picking up pecans and missing my own mother--who would never say crap like that--and all my friends at the Hill, whom I could vent to on a daily basis if need be. I missed Ted and Judi, stalwarts in the ongoing struggle against m-i-l stereotypes (she fits it big time, Flip). And then I felt really lonely and wanted to watch that Netflix movie that's been sitting around, the one about a young widow who goes off to an uncertain future in Wyoming in someone else's house. It seemed relevant somehow.
And here's why the wound isn't really a wound: I am an advocate for daycare! Good daycare. And that's where Marky is. I can't quote you studies, but I can tell you that kids who've gone to quality daycare and then home to quality parents tend to thrive in the real world--meaning the world beyond their own living rooms with no one around but their own mom. And I say "mom" because, in this scenario, it's only up to mom to make the decision on whether to stay home or "leave him in daycare all day"--her son has nothing to do with this (mostly) non-existent "choice".
What do these tiny daycare prisoners gain?
1. Self-sufficiency
2. The ability to deal with other adult authority figures
3. The ability to get along with other kids
4. The important ability to tune-out other kids
5. The chance to play and learn all day with people who know a damn sight more than I do about early childhood development
6. There's more, but those are the big ones, except healthy immune systems and...
7. Food, shelter, clothing, toys, vacations, art supplies, savings plans, cars filled with gas to take them places--places that usually have an admission fee, and--oh yeah!--parents, including FEMALE parents, who get to use their education and talents to build a business or career/serve the community/volunteer and otherwise thrive in the real world--the world beyond their own living rooms with no one around but their kids.
This is important: I am, in NO WAY, saying that moms or dads who DO stay home for whatever reason are having some sort of negative impact on their kids, or aren't thriving or sharing their own talents and gifts, etc. To each parent, her or his own. Period. In my house, both parents working is not only necessary but desirable. I have the flexibility I need to tend for my kids in the way I see fit, so I'm good. And, even if I could stay home full-time, I can guarantee you that my kids would be in daycare at least part-time.
The bottom line is that good parents with the intention of producing independent and responsible and happy children often do, no matter how they go about it. Period. And they can do without those "light" but heavily-loaded judgments.
posted by lulu | 6:48 AM
3 Comments:
Life is too short to have to deal with the psychic trauma of other's opinions.
We've had to deal with this situation a few times from some family and friends. It's never a good time when others question your decisions--especially ones that are clearly working out really well (thank you very much).
Keep your chin up (when your not looking down to see your awesome kids, that is).
Thanks, Burb. I knew you'd understand. I think what bothers me is just that--other people questioning my decisions, as if I hadn't bothered to think about the possible consequences for my children.
Goodness gracious.
Lulu
Your m.i.l. can go suck an egg. (Um, she doesn't read the blog, does she?) All anyone has to do is spend 5 minutes with your kids to see you're doing an awesome job with them--a combination of all of your parenting choices, combined with you and Kevin being incredible people to start with. Some people just can't let a day go by without digging at others. Maybe your m.i.l. has some serious doubts about some of her own choices, and so questioning yours makes her feel better? Sad.
I know you're above it . . . but I can totally understand you getting miffed by this. Hang in there, sister!
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