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Location: Midwest, United States

Hello. I'm Johnny Cash.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

"This Lunch Table Goes to 11"

Yes, the Pudding Club is getting used to its new 4-square table. It's a bit of a change, this new size, but it's fun getting to know new people. Raisinette, Jam Master J, The Bridge, and Alternate #3 are adding their unique bits of flava to what was threatening to be a tired, tired lunch population, and I'm down wid dat.

Today I asked everyone to rapid fire the worst movie they ever saw. The first one out was "The Horse Whisperer," an impossibly boring and depressing movie, almost on par with "The English Patient," which had essentially the same stars. Other winners were Sphere, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, Jingle All the Way, The Waterboy, Toys, and I can't remember the rest.

Then, we rapid fired our favorite comedies, which elicited a slightly less enthusiastic response as well as a rapid fire response to a particularly offensive choice. Among the best: Spinal Tap--a real shocker coming from Alternate #3, and one of my personal faves, Raising Arizona, Dr. Strangelove, A Fish Called Wanda, Orgasmo (elicitor of offense), Shrek, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Galaxy Quest, Airplane, and here is another example of what happens to brains as they age, because I can't remember the others and the sayers of these others won't email me back with their choices. (harumph!)

I just came out of the company communal bathroom. Does anybody like going to the bathroom in front of other people? Especially when it's so eerily quiet in there? NO! Anyway, I found myself desperately washing and drying my hands without inhaling, trying to balance a thorough de-bacterializing with the body's need for oxygen, and was successful in not taking a breath until I was safely clear of the bathroom. And I quickly found myself thinking about the times when I have been upside down in various rivers, strapped into a kayak, hearing only the roar of whitewater, feeling only the sudden cold and the rush of adrenaline, which slowly made its way into panic as I realized that I was upside down in a fast-moving, cold river, and my legs were being held in a boat that I wanted out of (or at least righted), and I had no oxygen in my lungs, and I can't breathe!!!!! It's freaky. But oh, man, what a rush. And now here I am, walking down the long, gray hallway of a building in an actual corporate park, having just survived another harrowing and somewhat gross journey into the bathroom, where women were doing what we all do everyday, but trying to be ever so quiet and nonobtrusive about it, dying with embarrassment everytime something audible happens, throwing curses at the other people in the bathroom for being there. It's freaky.

As for me, I shit in the woods.



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