Does anybody really care? about time?

My mother cut out a newspaper article for me about "googlewhacking." Googlewhacking is the newest trend!--yet another in the grand tradition of useless things to do on a computer to kill time at work. The object of this "game" (according to Large Midwestern's City's Only Major Newspaper) is to "Put two words--no numbers or punctuation--into Google and attempt to return a single hit." No quotations and no proper names. A hit doesn't count if it's a list, "such as a dictionary."

It took the geniuses (plural) at said paper "almost an entire afternoon" to come up with with one (taupe salubriousness). Go to googlewhack.com for winners such as "suckfish sandwiches," "parboiling trombonist," and "discoing chihuahua."

Here are my attempts at greatness, the numbers they pulled, and the shocking! cosmic! link! And it only took me, working alone, about 5 minutes--and without using a dictionary!* Which leaves many more minutes to kill (divide and conquer the day!).

• Sauntering Jew (so I didn't read the instructions carefully! Knock off, you shmuck!) 779
• Sauntering punk (spec?) 830
• captivating neuron 525
• Machiavellian oboe 132 (First of all..132?! Secondly, so I didn't read the instructions! Knock off, you shmuck!)
• Fillmore trout 14,600 (Aarrrrggghhhh! Instructions! Turns out there's a Fillmore Hatchery. Damn!)
• Machiavellian nickle 35 (Some guy named Nickle WROTE A BOOK about Malthus!! What are the odds, huh, reader? When I tried "nickel," I got 3,270 hits!)
• rambunctious polyester 1,670
• political mouthwash (forgot to record number, but it was more than one--here's your chance for excitement, lonely reader! Check it out!)
• reveling sausages 392 (with links to world leaders!)
• rural fetish 44,400 (of course, if I was on there, it was past 44,399 porn entries)
• troublesome daisies 2,110 (My most obnoxious coupling. Troubling.)
• anxious sprout 4,600
• nervewracked hippies 1!!!!!! But "nervewracked" is really two words...70 hits
• hustler missionaries 606 (possible band name, though...)
• melliflous mouthwash 2! Getting closer! Sticking with "melliflous," which I thought of on my own, *though I did use a dictionary to check the spelling. I would like to be straight with the American people and go on record as saying that using a dictionary to come up with words that you have never heard of should not be allowed. It cheapens the sport.)
• Melliflous shale 2!! (DAMNIT!)
• Melliflous election 38 ?!
• Melliflous trousers...12 (Ah, I'm on to something. And then I think of a little word that one of Millard Fillmore's Japanese friends really hates...)

THE WINNER: "Melliflous slacks" 1

And here's the superfreaky part--the link was to a fellow blogger, but not just some random blogger...but a fellow blogspot blogger. www.versuswords.blogspot.com

And now, the final shock. The twist so surprising, so sneaky, that I challenge the kudos given to that hack, M. Night Shamalyan. Come, Mr. Shamalyan, Shamal ME banana. Fuckhead. You see, simple (or disarmingly bright, even elitist) reader, "melliflous" is actually spelled "melliflUous," which I confirmed by checking the dictionary. . . and ended up spelling it wrong anyway. And I'm in educational publishing, reader, which means that I am the reason why the youth of America are so damned stupid.

So. . . when I use the correct spelling, I got nothing. Or, rather 212 hits for "mellifluous slacks." And 613 for "mellifluous banana." Even "terrorist mallifluousness" garnered 25 hits! Mellifluous kneecap, bulldozer, pomogranate, helicopter, bark, earmuffs and carburetor all hit at least 15 times! "Muffled mellifluousness," "corduroy mellifluousness..." no better than 2 hits.

So, it seems I'm not smart at all. Or that there are way too many people trying to look like friggin geniuses by (over)using the word "mellifluous." My irritation flows. . . well. . . mellifluously.