"Who do you have to screw to get a loan around here?"
Yes, sympathetic reader, our little story just got a little worse.
We went to the bank yesterday afternoon with completed paperwork in hand, proof of home insurance, and the full expectation that we would be granted our crappy interest-only loan this week and, thus, be rid of my scheming father forever. Alas, foiled again!
Oh, we're qualified for a loan. But, you see, our house is a log house. "Aaaawwww, cute!" you say, but you would be mistaken. Fannie Mae says that only Unabomber freaks desire log homes, and won't give an interest-only loan for log homes.
To clarify, we live in a 2-bedroom ranch. Sure, it's made out of logs (cut "square" as opposed to left in their natural round form, so they stack nicely and there's none of that ugly white chinking in between the logs) but, for some reason, it has cedar siding on the outside so you wouldn't know it was log until you came inside. It's very nice, actually. On the inside, it looks just like a regular ranch--except that it has log walls around the perimeter. The rest of the walls are drywall, either painted or covered with real pine beadboard--not that crappy 70s paneling you see in rec rooms. It's nice! I swear to GOD!!!
Anyway, it seems as if the closer we get to securing this god-damned FUCKING LOAN!!! the more log jams the banker throws up for us to navigate. He's a goddamn log-jammin' superhero. He KNEW that our house was log WEEKS ago because 1. we told him (and then had to assure him that, no, it wasn't a "cabin." Jesus!!!) and 2. the goddamn APPRAISER was at our house and should have made all of that very clear! Still, we sat in the banker's office (with crown molding and other appointments that Kevin and I paid for over the last two years. Fuckers.) and listened to him say, after I asked him what happened to our interest-only, no down payment option, that "he didn't know it was a log home." Our only option is to put at least 5% down. But we've been paying off our credit cards, remember.
So all the paperwork is done but we won't have the $10,000 we need to get the loan for another couple of months. In the meantime, we can't look for houses because we can't take on a cheap loan for a cheaper house and then buy this house in 2 months. BUT, we have been given "permission" from my dad--the landlord with none of the landlord's hassle or costs, yet all of the tax breaks--to put up a "for sale by owner" sign in OUR front yard in the hopes that someone will buy it before we have to waste money and closing costs on a loan for a house that we want to sell immediately. "Soooo, why not just buy a new house and help your dad sell "his" house to another buyer, thus avoiding the tremendous hassle and closing costs?"
Because "he already has a buyer," that's why. Us. His only daughter, the son-in-law that works for him, and one of his three grandsons that he barely sees even though he lives 1/2 hour away. Why would he cut us a break? He has done nothing but profit on this house ($30,000 in interest over two years represents significant tax benefits--even though WE are the ones paying the mortgage, the insurance, AND the taxes on the property! AND, we've OWED taxes the last few years! Thanks, Dad.). We, on the other hand, have done nothing but pay huge "rent" payments for the last two years and, even though the house increased in value, have nothing to show for it.
I'm half tempted to agree with my dad and call what we've paying "rent." Then we could give him notice that we're moving out. After all, we have no legal obligation to stay in the house (it's his on paper) and nothing but a verbal agreement that we would buy the house when we were able. Our plans changed! The house is more of an albatross to us now!
But we can't. That's what he would do.
By the way, you know how people whine when you use all caps when you're not really yelling? Well, I'm really yelling.
We went to the bank yesterday afternoon with completed paperwork in hand, proof of home insurance, and the full expectation that we would be granted our crappy interest-only loan this week and, thus, be rid of my scheming father forever. Alas, foiled again!
Oh, we're qualified for a loan. But, you see, our house is a log house. "Aaaawwww, cute!" you say, but you would be mistaken. Fannie Mae says that only Unabomber freaks desire log homes, and won't give an interest-only loan for log homes.
To clarify, we live in a 2-bedroom ranch. Sure, it's made out of logs (cut "square" as opposed to left in their natural round form, so they stack nicely and there's none of that ugly white chinking in between the logs) but, for some reason, it has cedar siding on the outside so you wouldn't know it was log until you came inside. It's very nice, actually. On the inside, it looks just like a regular ranch--except that it has log walls around the perimeter. The rest of the walls are drywall, either painted or covered with real pine beadboard--not that crappy 70s paneling you see in rec rooms. It's nice! I swear to GOD!!!
Anyway, it seems as if the closer we get to securing this god-damned FUCKING LOAN!!! the more log jams the banker throws up for us to navigate. He's a goddamn log-jammin' superhero. He KNEW that our house was log WEEKS ago because 1. we told him (and then had to assure him that, no, it wasn't a "cabin." Jesus!!!) and 2. the goddamn APPRAISER was at our house and should have made all of that very clear! Still, we sat in the banker's office (with crown molding and other appointments that Kevin and I paid for over the last two years. Fuckers.) and listened to him say, after I asked him what happened to our interest-only, no down payment option, that "he didn't know it was a log home." Our only option is to put at least 5% down. But we've been paying off our credit cards, remember.
So all the paperwork is done but we won't have the $10,000 we need to get the loan for another couple of months. In the meantime, we can't look for houses because we can't take on a cheap loan for a cheaper house and then buy this house in 2 months. BUT, we have been given "permission" from my dad--the landlord with none of the landlord's hassle or costs, yet all of the tax breaks--to put up a "for sale by owner" sign in OUR front yard in the hopes that someone will buy it before we have to waste money and closing costs on a loan for a house that we want to sell immediately. "Soooo, why not just buy a new house and help your dad sell "his" house to another buyer, thus avoiding the tremendous hassle and closing costs?"
Because "he already has a buyer," that's why. Us. His only daughter, the son-in-law that works for him, and one of his three grandsons that he barely sees even though he lives 1/2 hour away. Why would he cut us a break? He has done nothing but profit on this house ($30,000 in interest over two years represents significant tax benefits--even though WE are the ones paying the mortgage, the insurance, AND the taxes on the property! AND, we've OWED taxes the last few years! Thanks, Dad.). We, on the other hand, have done nothing but pay huge "rent" payments for the last two years and, even though the house increased in value, have nothing to show for it.
I'm half tempted to agree with my dad and call what we've paying "rent." Then we could give him notice that we're moving out. After all, we have no legal obligation to stay in the house (it's his on paper) and nothing but a verbal agreement that we would buy the house when we were able. Our plans changed! The house is more of an albatross to us now!
But we can't. That's what he would do.
By the way, you know how people whine when you use all caps when you're not really yelling? Well, I'm really yelling.
posted by lulu | 6:02 AM
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