Makin' a Diff
This blog entry accomplishes two things. First, it informs the voters. Second, it uses up one of the titles that I carefully crafted all the way back in August. Enjoy, informed reader!
Apparently, this Swing State doesn't include a candidate's party affiliation on the ballot. So, because we've been absolutely fucking bombarded by presidential ads and info--I mean, they are completely dominant--many of us may find ourselves in a voting booth lurch when faced with two un-affiliated candidates up for Clerk of Court of Common Pleas. Honestly, I don't know who is running for this position in my county, and I certainly don't want to vote for the Republican out of pure ignorance, and who has time to look all of this up? I'm telling you, if news about the election and, in particular, the candidates, were condensed into a 24-hour period (in dreams, I walk, with youuuuuuu...), news about the prez candidates would suck up a full 23.75 hours (but their speeches during their many visits are always so new! so fresh!), with the other 15 minutes going to the senators. News about county officials and other not-so-glitterati has been officially relegated to yard signs.
Soooooo, you could go to the official web site of the party you like and get a list of their candidates (it's there). OR you could wait for the information to come in the mail (somewhere, somehow, we've made it onto some Republican list and occasionally get cheesy pictures of the prez telling us to keep America safe and strong). But here's the funnest way:
If you are a Democrat, and you really should be, go to the nearest Republican Party headquarters. Wear something appropriately conservative--shirt and tie for the men, burkhas for the ladies. Plaster a big, fake smile on your face and ask "Hi! Do you have a list of all of the Republican candidates for state and local office in {insert your fine county}? I want to make sure I vote for all of the right people, if you know what I mean! Laugh a little, maybe throw in a little wink. After all, you are being devious and having a good time. Of course, you are going to use the list as a voting booth 'photo negative'--the people on the list are the people to avoid, not the liberal commie gays you are actually going to vote for! But the saps working in the Death Star don't know that--they think you're a swell Christian man/gal.
After the niceties are over and the list is in hand, AND after you've sized up the Stormtroopers and ascertained that you can run faster (I can't emphasize this enough), jauntily walk to the door, open it, turn towards the enemy and say, in a jolly way...
"Thanks, Fuckers!"
Run.
Apparently, this Swing State doesn't include a candidate's party affiliation on the ballot. So, because we've been absolutely fucking bombarded by presidential ads and info--I mean, they are completely dominant--many of us may find ourselves in a voting booth lurch when faced with two un-affiliated candidates up for Clerk of Court of Common Pleas. Honestly, I don't know who is running for this position in my county, and I certainly don't want to vote for the Republican out of pure ignorance, and who has time to look all of this up? I'm telling you, if news about the election and, in particular, the candidates, were condensed into a 24-hour period (in dreams, I walk, with youuuuuuu...), news about the prez candidates would suck up a full 23.75 hours (but their speeches during their many visits are always so new! so fresh!), with the other 15 minutes going to the senators. News about county officials and other not-so-glitterati has been officially relegated to yard signs.
Soooooo, you could go to the official web site of the party you like and get a list of their candidates (it's there). OR you could wait for the information to come in the mail (somewhere, somehow, we've made it onto some Republican list and occasionally get cheesy pictures of the prez telling us to keep America safe and strong). But here's the funnest way:
If you are a Democrat, and you really should be, go to the nearest Republican Party headquarters. Wear something appropriately conservative--shirt and tie for the men, burkhas for the ladies. Plaster a big, fake smile on your face and ask "Hi! Do you have a list of all of the Republican candidates for state and local office in {insert your fine county}? I want to make sure I vote for all of the right people, if you know what I mean! Laugh a little, maybe throw in a little wink. After all, you are being devious and having a good time. Of course, you are going to use the list as a voting booth 'photo negative'--the people on the list are the people to avoid, not the liberal commie gays you are actually going to vote for! But the saps working in the Death Star don't know that--they think you're a swell Christian man/gal.
After the niceties are over and the list is in hand, AND after you've sized up the Stormtroopers and ascertained that you can run faster (I can't emphasize this enough), jauntily walk to the door, open it, turn towards the enemy and say, in a jolly way...
"Thanks, Fuckers!"
Run.
posted by lulu | 6:05 AM
3 Comments:
Thank you, Lulu, for your scientific breakdown of the election.
Funny! (But wrong--with sad, disapproving frown)
And watch what you say about the Death Star and the Storm Troopers! The real Darth Cheney will gloom up over the horizon and be all scary about John Kerry stupidly inviting al-Qaeda operatives to visit the United States and detonating a suitcase nuke right in YOUR BACKYARD!!!
But seriously, all good Star Wars fans know that we should all pray to Yoda and Obi-Wan that Cheney will have the "come to Jesus" moment (just like Anakin did with Luke as the second Death Star exploded in Ep. VI: Return of the Jedi)and realize on his light-sabered deathbed that he was WRONG, that EVIL is a CHOICE, and that he should vote Democrat.
Of course, by voting Democrat, Darth Cheney's body was burned and he was buried on that stupid planet with those idiotic Ewoks . . . talk about bad karma.
What was I saying . . . ?
Oh my DOG! I've unleased a Nerd! Sorry, everyone.
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