The Guy's Rules

This morning I received this email from my very male friend Matt. He sent this to many others as well. Without even thinking, I got caught up in a rebuttal. First, the email:

The Guys' Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if y ou want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or NASCAR.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Now, the response:

1. Toilet seat--agreed. It's not difficult to work. The next comedian/comedienne who mentions the Battle of the Toilet Seat is officially in season. Go hunters!
1. Sunday sports--agreed. Women, if you don't like sports, find something else to do. Surely you had a life before you met Mr. Wonderful. Exception: Guys, if you have children, you really should do something with them sometimes.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months--agreed. But if your big seduction move involves pulling down your pants and showing us your fancy "helicopter", you probably deserve it. If you're still single and you do this on a regular basis, you should be cut off completely. Every once in a while, try a massage.
1. Christopher Columbus thought he was in Asia, putting him about 12,000 miles away from where he actually was. Don't be a stereotype. Your penis cannot find true north. Sometimes you just have to ask.
1. Personally, I'm not a shoe gal, but if your gal is and you feel the need to judge, you might want to count your hats first. We all have our little collections.
1. Peach, pumpkin, mauve--agreed. For most men, a hunting shack with a plasma TV is all the "home" they'll ever need. Who needs drywall or toilet paper holders or light fixtures or sheets? Women, go nuts.
1. Sleeping on the couch--agreed. If you're miffed at the person you share the bed with, YOU should leave. You shouldn't assume that you have the right to order someone out of it. Personally, I love it when my husband sleeps on the couch (he often falls asleep watching the weather--of course). He snores. AND he doesn't take the time to actually get under the blanket AND the sheet, which screws everything all up.

After being married for almost 7 years, I have a few rules, too:
1. Guys, don't walk into a room, fart, and then leave. Or walk in and immediately fart (you could have done that in the room you just left!). And never fart in the kitchen. Barns and workshops are great places to fart. And especially don't fart and then "make a move". It's futile.
1. If you pee in the yard, that's OK. But pick a spot where the neighbors can't see you. I mean, really.
1. I agree with many of the "communication" rules below. To sum it up gals, men are not stupid. But if you talk to them as if you're talking to Forrest Gump--short, succinct, direct--it'll go much better.

And an observation:
1. I have never yet met a woman who found these things amusing: 1. The Three Stooges 2. Dogs humping people's legs 3. Lighting their farts after the age of 12. Pretty much every man I've met HAS found these things amusing. Other than that, men and women are more alike than different. Find one a lot like you and marry that person. Or stay single. If you do otherwise, you've lost the right to complain.

Now, I know that I'm kinda wallowing in stereotypes here. It's kinda fun sometimes.