A Great Way to Ruin a Beautiful Day
Warning: This post contains excessive swear words...unless it deals with health insurance and credit card companies, and it does.)
The weather is stunning today. Actually, no. "Stunning" might make you think of something hard or sharp. It's more like "soft". Soft light, soft breeze, soft grass. The air wafts around the skin. Nothing jarring, nothing excessive.
And it's Sunday, making the weather even better.
So why am I so fucking miserable?
Because I decided to be 'productive' and pay bills this morning. And I can't shake my anger and sense of hopelessness! I know better, but it's not going away. I feel like I need a shrink.
I've been doing the bills for 10 years. It's never fun, but it's been doable at different times--those times when our debt did not outstrip our assets; those times when the money we made more than covered the money we spent.
Things have changed. For the last two years, doing the bills has been tantamount to shoving sharpened pencils into my eardrum, or perhaps a pap smear, the early stages of labor, or getting jalepeno juice in my eyeballs. I hate it so, so much. I've asked Kevin to take over; to help! To at least do it together so that the stress load gets distributed more evenly or something. But has he? No. And maybe that's 1/2 of why I'm so pissed and tuned off to this gorgeous day that should be a salve to my super busy days of late.
You know how people, usually kids, have to die a bloody death before they FINALLY put that stoplight in at that super-dangerous intersection? That's kind of how it went with the bills this morning. I was fuming; hitting walls, looking for things to kick and coming up empty because I can't afford to replace anything that I break, even throwing a walnut at an innocent barn (yes, I can hit the side of a barn. Pretty hard, actually.)
The seething pit of anger I mostly suppress, anger at assholes like Glenn Beck and other Republican fuckheads and big corporate CEOs who care about NO ONE but themselves and their mad lust for money and power, no matter how ill-gotten, those fucks, I hate them. And my hatred only reminds me that, when I hate, they win the battle for my peace of mind, and I really hate them then.
Besides our truly crushing debt load, I also received notice that our already nearly useless catastrophic health insurance coverage is increasing in cost by 33%--an extra $100 a month because, in these economic times, the cost of health insurance is increasing. We pay out-of-pocket for everything, receiving nothing but maybe 5% discounts on our medical costs and the luxury of deferring payment until the paperwork gets processed. And then those same fucks come out and say--or get their sniveling little fuckface tools on Fox to say--how a government-run health plan will fuck everything up and kill us all. Fuck what up? It can't get worse than it is now! And then dumbasses everywhere suck up the party line and urge their fuckface tools in Congress to vote it down, effectively fucking themselves up the ass and into ever-deepening poverty. Good call!
I also received the bills for Marky's trip to the ER for a finger that might've been crushed but wasn't. I saved 10% on the total cost of over $500 for taking a couple of X-rays and having the doctor look at the results and tell me to take two bandaids and call the hospital in several months time to figure out what the hell I owe and for what because the bills are hopelessly confusing.
Again, fuming.
What do I have to do to get along? I work so hard. I don't have expensive things. I don't go out. I pay my bills, but when I'm an hour late or a day late on a credit card bill I find that my APR has zoomed to 30% and now I can't afford it. How can they do that? (Insert fresh round of bitter tears here.)
I googled "What happens if I stop paying my credit cards" and got to "What happened if I s" before google typed the rest in for me. Obviously, I'm not alone. The debt is mine (and Kevin's, of course). I don't mind repaying it. But give me a break! I have pretty much lost my faith in this country, in the government, it's long-dead for the blood-sucking corporate beasts that run it. Fuck them! Can I get away with turning my back on it, starting over--damn the consequences--and running out to live on my farm in the way I've always wanted?
Obviously, I can't handle the bills anymore. I'm pissed at Kevin for not stepping in earlier, despite the many monthly outbursts he has witnessed. And he still hasn't called the big credit card, with the biggest balance, that is costing us over $600 a month in FINANCE CHARGES. I can't do anything because I'm not the primary on the account. But it's been over a month and he hasn't called. How much stress do I have to endure? And I need to get away but where the fuck can I go? If I get into my car, there is no place I can go to alleviate this feeling.
The weather is stunning today. Actually, no. "Stunning" might make you think of something hard or sharp. It's more like "soft". Soft light, soft breeze, soft grass. The air wafts around the skin. Nothing jarring, nothing excessive.
And it's Sunday, making the weather even better.
So why am I so fucking miserable?
Because I decided to be 'productive' and pay bills this morning. And I can't shake my anger and sense of hopelessness! I know better, but it's not going away. I feel like I need a shrink.
I've been doing the bills for 10 years. It's never fun, but it's been doable at different times--those times when our debt did not outstrip our assets; those times when the money we made more than covered the money we spent.
Things have changed. For the last two years, doing the bills has been tantamount to shoving sharpened pencils into my eardrum, or perhaps a pap smear, the early stages of labor, or getting jalepeno juice in my eyeballs. I hate it so, so much. I've asked Kevin to take over; to help! To at least do it together so that the stress load gets distributed more evenly or something. But has he? No. And maybe that's 1/2 of why I'm so pissed and tuned off to this gorgeous day that should be a salve to my super busy days of late.
You know how people, usually kids, have to die a bloody death before they FINALLY put that stoplight in at that super-dangerous intersection? That's kind of how it went with the bills this morning. I was fuming; hitting walls, looking for things to kick and coming up empty because I can't afford to replace anything that I break, even throwing a walnut at an innocent barn (yes, I can hit the side of a barn. Pretty hard, actually.)
The seething pit of anger I mostly suppress, anger at assholes like Glenn Beck and other Republican fuckheads and big corporate CEOs who care about NO ONE but themselves and their mad lust for money and power, no matter how ill-gotten, those fucks, I hate them. And my hatred only reminds me that, when I hate, they win the battle for my peace of mind, and I really hate them then.
Besides our truly crushing debt load, I also received notice that our already nearly useless catastrophic health insurance coverage is increasing in cost by 33%--an extra $100 a month because, in these economic times, the cost of health insurance is increasing. We pay out-of-pocket for everything, receiving nothing but maybe 5% discounts on our medical costs and the luxury of deferring payment until the paperwork gets processed. And then those same fucks come out and say--or get their sniveling little fuckface tools on Fox to say--how a government-run health plan will fuck everything up and kill us all. Fuck what up? It can't get worse than it is now! And then dumbasses everywhere suck up the party line and urge their fuckface tools in Congress to vote it down, effectively fucking themselves up the ass and into ever-deepening poverty. Good call!
I also received the bills for Marky's trip to the ER for a finger that might've been crushed but wasn't. I saved 10% on the total cost of over $500 for taking a couple of X-rays and having the doctor look at the results and tell me to take two bandaids and call the hospital in several months time to figure out what the hell I owe and for what because the bills are hopelessly confusing.
Again, fuming.
What do I have to do to get along? I work so hard. I don't have expensive things. I don't go out. I pay my bills, but when I'm an hour late or a day late on a credit card bill I find that my APR has zoomed to 30% and now I can't afford it. How can they do that? (Insert fresh round of bitter tears here.)
I googled "What happens if I stop paying my credit cards" and got to "What happened if I s" before google typed the rest in for me. Obviously, I'm not alone. The debt is mine (and Kevin's, of course). I don't mind repaying it. But give me a break! I have pretty much lost my faith in this country, in the government, it's long-dead for the blood-sucking corporate beasts that run it. Fuck them! Can I get away with turning my back on it, starting over--damn the consequences--and running out to live on my farm in the way I've always wanted?
Obviously, I can't handle the bills anymore. I'm pissed at Kevin for not stepping in earlier, despite the many monthly outbursts he has witnessed. And he still hasn't called the big credit card, with the biggest balance, that is costing us over $600 a month in FINANCE CHARGES. I can't do anything because I'm not the primary on the account. But it's been over a month and he hasn't called. How much stress do I have to endure? And I need to get away but where the fuck can I go? If I get into my car, there is no place I can go to alleviate this feeling.
posted by lulu | 1:27 PM
|
2 comments
