Starting to Freak

First, the good news: My checking account has $1,409.37 in it. It never did get down to the $4 I mentioned before. Not all the checks cleared and we were able to deposit a "just in case I screwed up the math" $50.00. And the $1,400 is even after I withdrew $500 this morning to pay the movers (who demand 1/2 now, 1/2 upon delivery--cash or MO only).

Now, the bad: That just ain't much. We've only had 3 people look at our house (in 2 1/2 weeks) and I fear that, even with the improvements we made, it's going to languish for awhile. If that's the case, it's $1,166 per month just ticking away, most of it interest. We'll have to pay another $500 or so next week to the movers, and the govt. will take $400 because they just have to make me pay and pay and pay and pay for going to college on their dime. $100 in interest per month on a 10-year old loan. My college education will cost me more than twice the sticker price. Bullshit.

And Kevin and I got into a rare fight last night. Both of us have been working hard, but my list is pretty much clear...or was until he finished the powerwashing and stain last night. I'm still working during the day and, when I get home, I've been doing the housework and mowing and taking care of the kids while he works on projects and cleaning up outside. I'm taking it a wee bit easier this week in preparation for this weekend (when we actually pack up and move), but he's been going non-stop for weeks now. I've told him to just lay off, take a day off, take a nap, come out and play, but he won't.

Well, he's kinda burned himself out, working under these arbitrary deadlines, and he crabbed at me. I had already crabbed at him for shedding--seriously, every room and outdoor zone I went into had at least one thing to pick up and put away. This is an issue in regular life, but it's a bigger issue now that our realtor can literally drive up, unannounced, and show the house. Really--if the house is clean, it takes just a few minutes each day to maintain. I go around and pick up laundry and random clutter while brushing my teeth! But he does not do that.

So I made the rookie mistake of crabbing about it (before he crabbed at me later), even though I knew it was a totally unconstructive place and time. I apologized (later), but then I was miffed when he didn't apologize for accusing me of not doing "anything to help" around the house lately. Hello? Paycheck! Plus I've packed and taken to the barn EVERY single item in the entire house (including the time I spent stalking the copy room to get boxes). I've been doing all the mowing, paint touch-ups, kid care (when we're both home), vacuuming in between the logs of our log house...you get the idea. Right before we pull out, I'll do the windows (again) and fix more screens and scrub the oven and all that crap. So I don't want to hear it!

He also has this annoying way of pinning stressful things on me--at least at first. Case in point:
L: "Kevin, why don't you just chill out and relax--you are overdoing this whole getting-ready-to-go thing. We'll get it done; do you really think we won't?"
K: "Well it has to be done by this weekend."
L: "Why?!"
K: "You're the one who said you wanted to leave this weekend! Plus Matt (the realtor) is having the open house on Sunday."
L: "He is? I didn't even know that."
K: "It's on the calendar!"
L: "Well, then it will just have to be changed. I didn't even know about it! And I NEVER said we HAD to leave this weekend! But if the movers come on Friday, why stick around in an empty house?? If we have to stay an extra day or two to get stuff done, then we'll stay an extra day or two! And if you had something to say about it, you should have set it."
K & L: (fume)

Turns out, the only thing on the calendar for Sunday was "Open House?" with an arrow indicating 'sometime in the first week of June'. Right there. In Sharpie. Nothing was set, and we're driving separately so it doesn't even really matter when, exactly, we leave.

After this stress-driven but rather lazy fight (we didn't even re-orient ourselves to face each other) we went to bed mostly back to normal and with a reminder that our leaving dates are, indeed, arbitrary.

And now I'm at work, and I have about 10 hours left, and a lot to do (but note what I'm doing). And I'm a little freaked about that, too. Which is stupid. Writing it down confirmed that. I'm all right now! Thanks, blog!

Yah Mo B There

Herein I shall attempt to explain the reasons behind the righteous jams I chose for the "Yah Mo B There" parting CD for my work friends. You are so much more than work friends in my heart.

Beastie Boys--Blue Nun and Stand Together
The perfect opening duo for many a mix, plus it has chicken sounds, harkens back to many a fun party, and most people here like the B Boys messin' with the freak freak.

Beck--Beercan
Again, Beck is pretty popular among you hipsters. Seeing as how it's called "Beercan", it suits our little booze-croozer Brieanna pretty well. I wanted to have "Be Bop A Lula" for Brieanna because as I was perusing song titles I saw that and immediately thought "Brieanna". Beercan has the great line "I quit my job blowing leaves..." I love that.

Beta Band--Round the Bend
You can't take the lyrics to heart on this one--I DO want to see my friends again. Karl introduced me to this song, so this one's for you buddy. And this song was one of a handful on my tiny iTunes list that made it to my new computer. Remember "Muskrat Hate"? I'll never forget. Plus, the part where he says "But it's not mainly a Brian Wilson production so it's probably not as good as something like...Pet Soooooooounds...." made it to my list of "Top 10 song parts". Notice that the drum re-intro in "In the Air Tonight" did NOT make it to that list.

Pavement--Grave Architecture
A cool song by a band-who-deserves-to-be-heard that talks about monuments? Please.

Flaming Lips--She Don't Use Jelly
Several of you like the Flaming Lips, one of my old faves. I don't like the new stuff, so I thought I'd include an accessible and ROCKING tune from the olden days.

Rage Against the Machine--Killing in the Name
Hello Guitar Heroes! Also for karl, our little antiestablishmentarian among antiestablishmentarians. Fine, DON'T do what they tell you!

Jane's Addiction--Stop
Hello again, guitar heroes! I love this awesome Gen X band. I was thinking the other day that they are like the Van Halen (before David Lee Roth's exodus and the unfortunate synthesizer overuse) of the 80s and early 90s.

Bongwater--Women Tied Up In Knots
Yes, I smoked pot. And Bongwater is hilarious. I thought this was a good choice for a segue to "Uncontrollable Urge" and our TWO conversations about masturbation songs. Plus it covers all those soul-searching conversations we've had, including the shocking revelations that were unpantsed at Val's Sex Party.

DEVO--Uncontrollable Urge
For the young ones.

The Kinks--Lola
For Rachel. And ROCK and ROLL! One of the great snotty rock songs ever.

Flamin' Groovies--Teenage Head
Part of your RnR education, I think everyone should know about this late 60s band that shoulda been more famous. Their "Shake Some Action" ended up in Clueless (under cover). I guess this could be for the 20-somethings, all of whom were wild and crazy teens while the rest of us were slugging away at work and/or marriage. Or you could imagine that this is for Darryl. Have you noticed that many of his Canadian stories deal with darkness and dirty deeds (and guns)? I have.

Southern Culture on the Skids--Soul City
Segue into jokes about redneck Boonville. I just like it.

Uncle Tupelo--Mike
This is for--who else? Wes. It works for all of you, though. Awwwww.

The Gourds--Gin and Juice
This song is both rockin' and hilarious. What could be better? And I associate it with the first Halloween party here at work. I think of Aaron, mostly, when I hear this--he knew it was by The Gourds. Hooray for Aaron!

Frank Zappa--San Ber'dino
You should all listen to more Frank Zappa. And there isn't a more perfect song for Kevin and me.

Bob Dylan and The Band--Million Dollar Bash
Just a weird but cool song. There are some Dylan fans out there (Heather, karl) but I didn't want anything too heavy. This is for all the bashes we had, and how much damn fun you all are. Really--you people make the scene. I just adore you.

Rolling Stones--Dead Flowers
Email me. I'll make your tombstones. This is a gross misinterpretation of what this song is really saying, but I don't give a crap. That's how I stay so punk rock.

Steely Dan--Hey Nineteen
I had to nix another Heather song, but this one just HAD to be on here. It's your thing, Heather, do what you wanna do... (that was another one).

Talking Heads--Don't Worry About the Government
Darryl, do you know how tough it is to find a song for you, since I don't think you even listen to music? (Yes, I know he'll never read this.) And Dean, this one is for you, too--I tried to find one for you politicos, but it turned out to be perfect in other ways. Yes, you'd better drop what you're doing when I take the highway, park, and come up to see you. Friends are important.

I had to cull about 40% of my choices--mostly sad and/or slow stuff. And I bemoan the lack of fade that, had I had it, would have made this even smoother and more professional than it already is.

You should know that this is the first mixed CD I've ever made! I'd go even further for you people. You're the college friends I didn't have time in college to have, and I really love you all. But I had to leave...lest I yah mo burn this place to the ground and put a bullet in my brain.

Countries of the World Barbies...I Mean "Women"...No, "Barbies"

Sucked in by the glamour, I watched a bit of the Miss Universe pageant last night. I didn't MEAN to, it's just that I was about to start "Office Space" and do a little hand quilting and there it was...15 of The World's Most Beautiful Women©™® strutting down the stage (with some inane 3 boy/3 girl Mexican pop act rattling and "dancing" in the background, all with teeth so straight and white...I woulda sworn they were dentures! There is a limit to what you should do to beautify your teeth) wearing nothing but an animal print bikini and carrying a lovely golden sash that allowed them to cavort and pose like so many little girls playing dress-up in front of a mirror.

Oh, it was hideous. And yet I couldn't turn away (except for the commercials). And the fact that it's co-owned by megalomaniac self-promoter Donald Trump and makes no concessions to being a "talent" or "poise" contest (for our slimmest girls) makes it even more so. They make no bones about the grossly sexist swill they're swilling...well, I can kinda respect that, actually. Better to call a spade a spade than call it "art" or "a scholarship contest" (for our slimmest girls) or some bullshit like that. They even advertised the bikini contest by saying that they would be wearing "nothing but a bikini and high heals!" Still, to be really truthful, they need to go that one extra step and just SAY "Coming up next! Fifteen nearly identical (regardless of continent of origin--I mean, it was fucking FREAKY how much alike they ALL looked! Except for a flat-out bald Miss Africa, they ALL had the exact same hair. Must've all come from the same factory) versions of what the world sees as "beautiful women", but we'll call them girls, take off most of their clothes and walk around so you can assess their asses (and don't forget their tits)!

Why not a wet t-shirt contest? Install a couple of poles on the stage and judge them for creative use of their golden sash? Or, better yet, how about a big, softcore bi-curious fuckfest, right there in front of the "billion" people that Donald Trump is claiming watch this extravaganza? (I'm watching only to get fodder for my blog--as a civil service, if you will). I guess these women are too classy for that. A lot more than a billion people would watch it, though. Seriously--are we that far away from this?

It did get interesting, though, after Miss U.S.A. sauntered out in her cut-down-to-there evening gown and fell on her ass. Priceless. She smiled like a good little princess. But when SHE got picked for the top 5, and Miss Mexico (the hometown favorite) DIDN'T, oh the shit started to fly as if the place was stuffed with rowdy and well-fed monkeys. When the 5 came up to answer their incredibly pointless question, the audience started to BOO! "Why, exactly, are they booing?" I wanted to know. I thought they felt jilted because Miss U.S.A. fell on her ass, Miss Mexico didn't, and yet here is Miss U.S.A. in the Top 5! That ain't right! They quieted down for the first three contestants but, when Miss U.S.A. stepped up...ah, THAT'S what pissed them off. International immigration laws. Why, I just felt like sending a bunch of billion dollar fighter jets down to Mehico City and bombing the shit out of those, well, you know. But who would make my consumer goods? Only after she spoke a few Spanish words, a la our dumbass commander-in-chief, did the crowd let up on her.

Now THAT'S good T.V.

Miss Japan won. Miss U.S.A. got 4th-runner up. A nod to international diplomacy? Or was Dave Navarro, startlingly-everpresent celebrity judge, just trying to avoid getting knifed in the backstreets?

In perusing this story, I saw some pictures of a pre-pageant T&A-fest wherein the women paraded around in their country's "traditional prostitute" garb. Miss U.S.A. wore a sparkly Elvis jumpsuit with an American flag guitar. Can you believe this is what passes for "traditional prostitute" around here? Are we that starved for a little culture? Surely some costume shop had an old "Slutty Pocahontas" suit in the mothballs, or "Slutty Pilgrim". Miss Japan wore an S&M samurai get-up. Really--you should check it out. But what struck me was their incredible resemblance to my bizarre-to-have,-I-know Barbies of the World collection. Only my Barbies of the World aren't showing that kind of skin. They are too classy for that.

All RIGHT. GEEEESH!

My bonus this year was $30,000. After taxes, it was $17,000. I received it at the same time that I received my unexpected, adjusted-in-my-favor-by-the-feds tax return of $2,300. For about 3 days, I had $20,000 in my checking account. This was just one month ago. As of today, after all checks clear, my account will have $4.16.

Gross financial mismanagement? Well, it's not perfect, but that's not it. After paying off a credit card that got a little out of hand thanks to Kevin not pulling a paycheck for over a year, we had $10,000. Then we started buying shit for the business. Well, I bought $3,000 worth of furniture (for home and office), and I must say I got an ark-load of furniture for that price. EVERYTHING used, antique, or bargained way down. I also paid ahead one month on the house, and paid ahead a few months on Kevin's truck. We kept buying things and I kept paying off the credit card on about a weekly basis. We bought a pallet jack (to remove heavily-laden pallets from trucks), pizza, and new brakes. We bought $1,000 worth of carpet for a house we're selling. I bought a Radio Flyer wagon full of toys at a silent auction for the school's playground equipment that Stevie will never climb upon. We bought shingles (another $1000--why does everything cost $1000?!), groceries, and a month's worth of karate lessons. We wrote checks for doctor visit co-pays, school lunches, and water bills for a building in MO that we aren't really using yet.

And it's all gone.

And then we bought a plotter (cuts the stencil for the monuments--$7000), design software that goes with the plotter ($2200. Yes, you read that right), and paid for getting the plotter shipped from Atlanta to MO ($112.00--surprisingly affordable!). All on our credit cards. So our zero balance is shot all to hell.

The house we're moving into is free. We lived there before, from 2000-2002. It's the converted carriage house across the driveway from my in-laws' house. Especially now that it's been remodeled, it's a very pleasant little place. However, I sense issues. I wanted to buy one of the MANY cheap little houses for sale in the town and fix it up--low monthly payment, our own space, and our money going to our property. But how can you say no to free? I suppose we coulda, but that's the help that was offered and we took it. We have our land, but we're years away from a house.

Let's see...what else can I amaze you with? Since I'm leaving this job, I should tell you that last year, when we blew our goal away, my bonus was 100% of my salary--$57,000. (That's all gone, too.) We didn't even make our number this year and my bonus was almost as much as I made as an editor ($34,000). My position should be posted now. If you want to make money, apply for it. I'm only telling you this to make you aware of things that you might want to know but no one ever tells you. We call it rude or crass to talk about money, but if you don't know how much the people beside you are making, how can you negotiate for a fair salary? I'm positive that all this "telling people what you make only leads to hard feelings" is corporate propaganda meant to protect the people who try to keep your salary as low as possible. Fuck em. Rise up and get a raise.

At my new job, I have no idea how much money we'll make. I don't even know how to set up our salaries. I don't know when we'll get our paychecks, or how to do that (I bought software, though, and it's my job to figure it out). We need to speak with an accountant pronto. We've collected checks for about $2,300--gross income. It will be a long time before we can hang our "First Dollar of Profit" on the wall. But here's the good news:

1. We haven't had to take out a bank loan. Yet. We might not have to. Credit cards aren't the best way to finance things fo sho, but the interest rates are really low and it's easy. Kevin's cousin has put up the majority of the money and only asks to be paid back in time, and live in the apt. in the shop. This may sound all scary loosey-goosey, but it's not like that.
2. Any and all stress (outside of that pertaining to moving back into the carriage house) is the stress that comes from DOING something; from moving forward. It's not like nickel-and-dimed, abject poverty stress. I really don't have anything to bitch about. Although that has never stopped me.
3. WE get to decide when we'll get our paychecks. The public willing, of course.

So that's it. A post written only to silence my critics. These things were, I guess, at the top of my mind. Go now, and prosper.

I'm back, people.

Hello, gentle readers! It's been awhile! I tried to post, oh, I dunno, awhile ago, but it had been so long that my password had been lost to the wind and I didn't feel like going through that whole hassle. I need to be writing. There's a LOT going on.

So let me start slow and easy. Make love to you slow and easy. And suddenly Whitesnake is in my head.