My budding mid-life crisis. Take one. Action.

I'm in a Courtyard Marriott in bum-fuck business park, Kansas and, atypically, I can't get to sleep. And it's 11:12 p.m.! Boy, am I up late.

I'm wondering many things. Among them, how I let most of the joy run right out of my life. On the way over here, in a white city-owned minivan filled with focusless brochures, I was scanning through audio hell (FM radio) trying to find something decent to listen to and came across that Seal song 'Kissed by a Rose' or whatever it's called.

I can only think of one thing when I hear that song--Salt Lake Blake. Salt Lake Blake was a guy I met when I lived in Moab. I placed two personal ads while living out there and he was one of the respondents ("respondents"--I tried to kill him Blade Runner style, but he cried so we escaped to the countryside beyond the wire). He came down to Moab in his Volkswagon van--not the hippie kind, but the camping kind, with the roof that can be raised and a little stove and stuff--to meet me and, I'm sure, have sex with me.

We went out to the desert and I totally seduced him. Sure, he could've been a psycho killer, but anyone could, really, and he wasn't. And it was a fun night. He wasn't really my type--he actually modeled, and looked a little too meticulously scruffy to be the kind of guy I usually go for. And his teeth were pretty perfect, and that's just not my thing. But he was kinda sexy and it's good to branch out, and he was into me. So we followed that date with a couple more dates, one of which was in Salt Lake City where he lived.

After dinner; we're in his room. It turned out his seduction song was 'Kissed by a Rose'. Ugh. I mean, it's an interesting song, but it's a cheesy and cliche seduction song and I could only hope that it wasn't going to be followed up by a presentation of a single wed wose or something horrible like that. I mean, I'm much more used to doing it to the likes of the Pixies or, memorably, Beck.

But this post is about my mid-life crisis, not overused fuck songs. And as I made my way to the convention center for a big, cheesy travel show and the booth I am to be confined in all weekend, I found myself reminiscing about all the great seductions that I have been lucky to give and receive, and why the hell it's completely gone from my life. That, and hiking, and dancing myself into a religious-experience trance are sadly missing from my life. And from My Best Friend Ted's life as he, too, was having some of those same thoughts and shared this with me on this very same drive.

I had another paragraph written here and totally chickened out. I'll sum it up: I don't want other men. Not at all. What I want is my sex drive, and my old sex life, back. I don't know if the amount of sex Kevin and I have in our 9-year old marriage is normal--people are too chicken shit to tell the truth, even in their own blogs, so perhaps we'll never know. But I know it's abnormal for the amount of sex I think we should be having, and I'm sure it's totally whack to Kevin.

This is not all on me. It's true that two children, a few extra pounds (ha!) and a shitload of stress have zapped my sex drive. Once a horndog, I can now go for weeks without an inkling. I exercise--isn't that supposed to bring it back? Nah--there's just too many voices to shut out. Pot used to help. A lot. But I'm a city employee and subject to pee tests and I just can't do it. And then I get pissed at Kevin for being able to pick and choose where he puts his effort and then I get stuck with the rest. A downward spiral ensues in my darkest moments, when he pisses me off and then I start to think that pretty much our entire marriage I've been the one bringing home the majority of the pork and sacrificing this and that and even when I worked long hours with a crappy commute and he didn't work I'd STILL come home to a messy house and an empty fridge while he played with the baby. Like I said--dark moments.

But it's not all me. Kevin has taken to crashing on the couch almost every night that we've been back in Hometown. He watches Letterman, and I can't stand Letterman--retire already!, and falls asleep in front of the TV past my bedtime. Or before it, at about 8 a.m., and then I have to hoist the sleeping boys upstairs and turn out all the lights. Seduction? I'm not the kind of gal who needs for him to go to Jared to get me into the sack, but some kind of atmosphere would be good.

We had precious little time between our first date and the second trimester, but we used to make love and we put a little effort into the prep. Do you remember what it was like to prepare for making love and to anticipate it as something to linger over? To spend some time getting oils and music and candles and all that shit ready? Or to spontaneously have on some warm rock in the sun in the middle of a hike? I do. I remember that. And if you're out there saying "Why, Lulu, I'm still doing all that!", well get your oils and put on the Last Temptation of Christ soundtrack and you know what I'm going to say here.

So I guess that's Midlife Crisis Topic 1--missing good, lingering sex. And, cuz I'm old and happily married, missing it with my husband. How do I get it back? I just bought a movie here at the hotel ($12.99)--Zack and Miri Make a Porno--and in the movie they had that sex that you have when you know you're in love with someone. I want it back.

Stay tuned for more adventures when I recount the loss other things that I count among my absolute favorite things to do in this life. Yeah, yeah--I adore my children. But this isn't about them. And I feel like if I could bring a little more joy and wonder back into my life, instead of anticipating Thursday nights because '30 Rock' is on, that would do a whole lot for them.

Documentaries

(There were many grammar errors in this post. I hope I've fixed the worst of them. Many pardons!)

Two good documentaries that I highly recommend:

1. King Corn
Not the greatest doc, but entertaining and educational. It gets more points because it focuses on industrial agriculture and why there isn't any food to eat in the middle of the Corn Belt and all that good stuff. It's inspired by Michael Pollan's "Omnivore's Dilemma" and you'll learn something if you watch it and you really should care about this stuff.

2. The Rape of Europa
OK, it's a documentary about the Nazis, but it's worth it I swear! It's the story of what happens when a frustrated art school reject puts a little army together and takes out his wrath. I didn't realize how far-reaching and systematic Hitler's art theft and destruction was, or the scope of his plan to destroy the cultures of various subhumans and substitute them with crappy German art that would be more at home in a 50s-era Outdoor Life ad than in the Louvre. It was so interesting that I kept it around for nearly 3 months until I had a chance and was in the mood to watch the entire thing.

Whatever Lulu wants, Lulu gets...

Just had another great chamber board meeting. They voted on new membership software--REJOICE! We desperately need it, and it was Goal #1 on this year's program of work. They voted to share the cost for an outdoor movie night for the community, and they voted to formally support the raising of the lodging tax. A good night.

It's a lot of work to get ready for a board meeting. Besides the big stuff, there are many loose ends that need trimmed before a board meeting. And it's important to be organized and inspiring and forward-moving because it would be bad to get all bogged down and inefficient and bore the board members. So far, so good.

Just as we were developing a tiny little cushion in our bank account--and we're talking a few hundred dollar cushion--we get walloped. The business insurance is due at the shop--$1200. That means there's no money there to pay for the twice-yearly car insurance bill--$700. And then there's our huge credit card bill that Kevin still hasn't called about--$500.

And finally...last weekend the boys were playing hide-and-seek in the house. Stevie ran into the bathroom to elude Mark, Mark caught up, and Stevie slammed the door not realizing that Mark's finger was in the way. Mark's index finger had a lot of little bloody bumps on it, was very scraped up, and looked as if it could be broken. Kevin's aunt is a nurse and she was out in the pasture so we asked her her professional opinion. She couldn't tell if it was broken by looking at it and suggested the ER. I called Mark's regular doctor and, of course, those boneheads couldn't fit him in and they, too, recommended the ER. I should note here that there is no urgent care within 35 minutes. We don't have proper health insurance. Mark was crying and in obvious pain. It hurt me to do it, but I took him to the ER.

He had 3 x-rays. The doctor spent all of 5 minutes looking at the finger, looking at the x-rays. It wasn't broken. Band-aids and ice were the treatment. The bill was $515.

I thought $200, maybe even $250. So that bill was a shock that made me think of the failings of our entire health care system. Awesome that we were able to see a doctor so quickly, but what the frick!? There is no way to justify that cost. Just no way. And that is roughly 1/4 of my monthly take-home. That is the kind of visit that snowballs into something much worse for many people. The kind of visit that cripples the nation. The kind that depletes puny little cushions. So go universal health care! Because this shit is ridiculous.

Other than that, it was a pretty typical week around here. I've been getting up early and working out, but I haven't given up the sweets. I'm working a lot. Kevin is working a lot and suffering through a nicotine-deprived depression.

Mark is developing a fear of pumas and a love for the cheesiest horse slide shows on YouTube. This is Mark's favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13nz4vyhLs4

I encourage you to watch it. If you know me, you'll know my suffering. And you will understand what I mean when I tell you that Mark is a 3-year old boy going on melodramatic, horse-loving tween girl. Complete with painted toenails. And he knows the words to the song and sings along!

Stevie still hates school because "it's so boring". He has instituted "Star Wars Saturdays" and spends most non-homework moments either playing light sabers, watching one of the Star Wars movies (he has all 6 now), putting together a Star Wars lego set, or playing Star Wars Legos on Wii.

I'm spent!