She's a Superfreak.

Yeah, I'm superfreakin'. I'm yelling at the kids at high volume. I kicked the dishwasher. I just want to be left alone!

Today I put the final hours into my April 'hours worked/cover my ass' document. Last week I worked 53 hours. And that's solid work--no breaks, no lingering lunches, no in-depth chatting (can you 'chat' 'in-depth'?). In the month of April, I worked 45 hours beyond full-time. Here at the end of April, it has caught up with me.

The kicker is that I don't even feel that productive. I'm surrounded by loitering projects. If I took the time to set mini-goals, I'd never have time for anything else. Things do get done, but there's always so much on the immediate horizon. I know that many of you can relate to this. Some of you no doubt feel no pity for my measly extra week's worth of work!

To make matters worse, I'm feeling jealous of someone right now. I haven't been jealous in a long time. It's Midlife Crisis, Pt. 2. I've been reviewing the facebook profile of someone who will probably ride through Paris, in a sportscar, with the warm wind in her hair when she reaches the age of 37. And she'll look fabulous and sexy and carefree. All those things that I am not at present (as I sit here, in a little house that I don't own, in aged overalls, sporting a greasy ponytail). And I'm looking around my dirty house and wondering if this is it. This is it for me? The Midwest, cows, kids, extra pounds, debt? Will I never develop some sort of spiritually-fulfilling discipline, or go somewhere really cool? Will I ever own even a few pretty things? Yikes.

I know, I know--get some perspective. Look at the things I DO have. Hey--I'm wallowin' here! Suffer me. Perhaps there's a reason for the wallowing. Maybe this is the deep thought that I need. Yesterday in my office I took about 90 seconds to put my feet on the desk, my hands behind my head, and think about a solution to a problem. I caught myself thinking that I need to do more of that. And not just at work.

I've gotta shake myself loose of this crap. Why am I looking outside of myself for some sort of answer? I know better than that. I'm having trouble deciding just what it is that I really want out of this life, and what kind of person I want to be. Well, I kinda know what I want to be, but how much am I willing to work to get there?

I like money. We should hang out.

I'm sitting here thinking that I need to write a post to make up for my last one. But what to write about? Well, we had great people over for dinner last night--fucking finally!--so I'll write about that. Then I'm sitting here wondering what the hell I'm going to title it. "Friends-at last!" came to mind, but seems desperate somehow. I fixed on "I like money..." because they gave us the movie it's from (Idiocracy) and I watched a bit of it last night after they left. And, man, I need to hang out.

I love the Midwest, but as you know, dear reader, I'm surrounded by republicans and, what to call them...2nd amendment Christians? God and Country Christians? Republican Christians. That works. I can get along with them just fine in my daily doings, but there's always that disconnect and it discourages hanging out. Why, just this morning I received an email prayer from an acquaintance with whom I serve on a committee that rarely meets. The subject line was a curt "Read this and send back to me". The email instructed me to send it to at least four very-special-to-me people whom I feel deserve this very special prayer. So who sends that with 'send back to me' in the subject line? And I am not special to this person--she's obviously just going for numbers. Shockingly, I deleted it without sending it to those I love.

Anyway, the reason I'm saying all this is because folks like the family who came over last night are in short supply around here. So, so short. They're refreshingly honest and brave, very intelligent, and socially progressive. But they take it a step further because they share all that subculture stuff that most people I know, as great as they are, just don't get. It's born of that seeking quality, that sense that there's another way to be than how you were programmed to be. That's very important.

It's a tricky business, making friends. I've always gone for quality over quantity--which works when your friends are in close proximity and you don't have adult-like responsibilities. When I moved to Missouri I actually despaired--how on earth am I going to make friends when it's just going to be me and Kevin all day? It was made worse because I was leaving a wonderful, stimulating group of friends whom I really enjoyed (and my Best Friend Ted, of course--although he's with me for life no matter where we live). Even now, working my jobs, I work mostly by myself. I meet a LOT of people and some of them are great, but who has the time to hang out enough to start laying down the bonds that make you make time for something as luxurious as a friend?

I would make time for the folks who were here last night. They wave their freak flag high. And, if they're reading this right now and thinking that I'm some sort of desperate wrong-kind-of-freak and they don't want to be friends with me? Not much I can do about that, I'm afraid. Except say that I knew, deep down, that they were pompous, and faggy.

A Brand New Day

Three days of glorious solitude at the office. Ahhhhhhh. I do love working alone.

Of course, there are many visitors in the office, but that's OK (mostly). Helping visitors is part of both of my jobs.

I just wanted to write something positive for once. As you can see, it's deadly boring. The amount of work to do is still overwhelming but you can only do so much in a productive day. I earn my keep.

Have a great weekend! May it be more lively than this Friday night, chilled-out post.

Listen all y'all, it's a SABOTAGE!

I don't have the energy to write this, but when has art ever been easy?

I had a meeting with my executive board today and two of them told me that they heard from two different people that my secretary told those people that I was trying to force her out so I can take her job and the money that goes with it.

It was a genuine "WHAAAAA???!!!!!" moment.

She has been the secretary for 25 years. She told me late last year that she was going to retire sometime this year. Then she got cancer. Terminal cancer. A couple of months ago she told me that she wanted to work until after this big festival we have in June. Given the statistics, she doesn't have a lot of time left on this earth. She has a tight family and things she wants to do. If it was me, I'd be outta there (after some cleaning up, of course).

But this is the only job outside the home she's ever had. She's been the only consistent thing in the chamber for that amount of time--the Queen to many flighty prime ministers. Her system is antiquated in most ways and dysfunctionally antiquated in some key ways. Over the past year she has spoken of the need to attain membership software and plan for the future and I have been doing just that. And, when it comes down to it, I've had to put up with a lot of her eye rolling to do it.

I'm anxious for her to leave because I need to do much of what she is currently doing and I'm itching to get started. If you've stuck with me, you know that I am anxious for some of the things in my life to resolve. The status of my jobs is one of those things. I also want to clean up our messy office/visitor center and get rid of years of accumulated crap that we don't need that is displayed in the most unattractive way possible. (People have opened the door--clearly marked as a chamber of commerce--and walked back out because they thought they were trespassing in someone's messy office).

But she's not ready to leave. After 25 years you get pretty attached to a place. She has a host of friends who visit her there. She likes helping the tourists that come in daily. Her stuff is there! She knows the drill inside and out. I get that. It would be hard enough to retire normally. Now that she's facing the end of her life...well, I get it. I really do. It's straight out of Psych 101.

How does it affect me? Thanks for asking! It's not a big deal, really, and I've resigned myself to waiting until she leaves to rearrange the office. I've resigned myself to the fact that she cannot delegate tasks even though, during this treatment period, she can't get them all done. Even when well, she cannot delegate. I understand that when someone holds a job for this long and is lauded for being the glue that holds everything together...that it's not a shock when they don't want to see some whippersnapper come in and be able to pick it up after just a year. No one is irreplaceable and that can be tough for some people to swallow. But it is affecting the work. I'm having to ask her multiple times for a document, or where things are, or whatever until it might be done. Things are slipping. Announcements aren't getting into the newsletter on time, ticking off members. People want to know how many booths are available, I don't know because I don't know where the applications are. I can't do my job because I can't find it/she's working on it but not done/she'll 'get it to me when I get it done'.

I have been nothing but respectful of her for the past year. Her biggest problem with past execs has been that they don't listen to her--they don't heed the chamber's history. So I listened. I took notes! I didn't always agree, but I did heed. I've thanked her and lauded her at every opportunity--even when she wasn't around. I've told her kids that she has free reign to leave her job when she wants to--that she's not going to get fired for being sick, that no one is going to check just how many sick days she has coming. She has put in her time. If I can do something to help, just say the word.

We've also discussed the whole job combining thing and the possibility that, when she retires (that part is important) that the board has discussed making my job full-time. By doubling my salary, that would leave just $6,000 for a secretary. Obviously, not enough. But we'll work up to a part-time secretary and go from there. She didn't seem to have a problem with that. After all, it would not affect her at all.

So after all of this, what does she do? She goes around telling people--at least two--that I'm trying to force her out of her job and 'take her money'. As an argument, it's a sieve and people know it. But do all people know it? Is she sitting out there in our shared office telling people that I'm beating up on dying people?

She's not the most beloved person in town. I've always stuck up for her. She's dealing with a hideous disease and a severe change in her plans for a long, carefree retirement. I know why this kind of thing happens, but to have the guns turned on me is still befuddling. And what can you do? Five intelligent board members came to the conclusion that anything they do to address this situation is going to be wrong. If she really is saying this shit, then she is perhaps the most two-faced person I have ever met. Or is it just the trauma she is facing from both her illness and the full-on chemo treatments, and resulting chemo brain, that she is forced to endure?

If she was a normal, healthy employee, and this 'sabotage' is substantial, this would be grounds for firing someone or at least a mediation with HR, if we had such a lofty department. I want to confront her about it, but under current circumstances....plus she's going in for her 4th chemo tomorrow and will probably be out of work for the next 8 business days. I'm thinking that if our past-president--one of the people who told me she heard this thing and a person the secretary really respects--gently confronts her about it, that might work. As for the work that is slipping through the cracks...she is intentionally not letting me in on what needs done. But if a board member asked her about, say, the membership drive report, she'd have to either get it done or delegate.

Why is it that this kind of crap keeps happening to me? I am the common thread here--is it me? If it is, dear reader and true friends, I want to know! (It could be that a lot of people face this crap and that I'm just better at writing it down.)

I'll keep you informed on how it all turns out. After a year-and-a-half in the public eye, my skin is thicker. I'm not taking this personally. But one person--one very sick, sympathetic person--can do a lot damage in a town this small and this bent on intrigue. My gosh, people, why? Why can't you just get along?

Disneyland TV

ABC is owned by Disney, so it's no surprise to see Disney use that particular public airwave as their own personal advertising tool. Reality show contestants end up at Disneyworld. TV shows are filmed at some fake-ass Disney resort. And now, to fulfill the nightmare vision of "The Truman Show"--and it was a nightmare vision, network execs, not a primer--ads for Disney have crept into the dialog of even good TV shows. In a recent episode of Scrubs, Turk was upset with JD because he thought JD had gone to Disneyland without him. He went into some depth on the various rides at Disneyland and how much fun they were and man! he wanted to be there with JD!

Obnoxious. And you can't blink an eye without seeing Disney cyborg Miley Cyrus on the cover of EVERYTHING. I get the Kansas City Star, and she was on the cover of the front page one day and the cover of the entertainment section a day later! That, and the fact that the opinion section is full of letters from right-wing nut jobs, is the reason that I'm going to drop my new subcription. She's on TV, she's hosting crap, she's at the hand-me-a-trophy awards, everywhere. It's all too much. Just how fascinating can a 16-year old be?

But nothing tops the ABC morning show the other day. You know that little 8-year old who was murdered by her Sunday school teacher? Her idiot aunt and uncle were making the rounds (two morning shows at the same time--quite a trick!) talking about how the family was so devastated that someone just had to go on TV and tell the world how devastated they were. And when the ABC morning show host asked the aunt and uncle what they were going to miss most about the little girl, the aunt starts talking about how she was such a lively and fun little gal and--wait for it--how she loved--you guessed it!--Disneyland! And wasn't it fun when she thought the Disneyland princesses were the real thing AND, oh!, how she loved going on the various rides--and she named at least one of them and kinda sorta described it. I gotta tell ya, dear reader, my bullshit meter kinda sorta exploded.

Does anyone understand why the family and friends of murder victims go on TV often immediately after the death and give interviews? First off, it's not national news. Secondly, who are these assholes? To think of my brother or sister-in-law going on TV and carrying on about my dead child--urgh. And they would never, ever do that and that's why I don't understand these people. Are they so desperate to be on TV that they would enable the networks to make a profit off of the murder of anyone, and especially a little child? It's absolutely revolting. I'm sure I've said more than enough for all dear readers to get me on this.

I don't know. I really think that ABC had a hand in what this idiot couple said about Disneyland and that little girl.

I just watched the movie "Idiocracy" the other day. It has its flaws, but the filmmakers are right to worry about a future America taken over by the copious breeding of dumbasses. A world full of stupid people who loved violence and sex and whose favorite TV show was called "Ow! My Balls!" It was supposed to be 500 years in the future. It cut a little close to home.

Whew! Busy!

I've been wanting to write but haven't had a computer at home and haven't had time at work. I have 5 minutes now. I'm going to write!

My father-in-law made me get rid of my chickens, so I'm pretty pissed. They needed to be fenced in so they wouldn't eat his precioussss grass seed or my soon-to-be-planted vegetables. No problem. I suggested a fencing material that would work, got the go ahead (sorta), and bought the fence. Then, after all that and a YEAR of having chickens, he says no. I don't have time to get into it, but it was very arbitrary and very, well, chicken, and when two people have hardcare philosophical beliefs about what 26 acres of good Mizzourah grass should be used for, and one of those people owns that grass (and lets you know that even though you already know), well, you know.

So I'm still pretty huffy about it and Kevin and I have decided to get out to our land just as soon as possible but it's not going to be easy because to get a well drilled is $9,000-$12,000 or more and, urgh.

Work is extremely hectic because our secretary is going through chemo and there are OK days and very bad days and she doesn't always realize when she needs to delegate so I can do it and not have to scramble to do it at the last minute when I realize that she didn't. Phew. And everything is still in flux--she's leaving sometime, but hasn't LEFT. My jobs are combining sometime, but they haven't COMBINED. I have a person hired to help me, but she hasn't STARTED. You get the drift.

The whole family got the flu this past month and we were pretty lousy with it for the better part of two weeks. It's 95% in the past now.

Watched "Milk" the other night and was very inspired. I'm almost daring some local idiot to start something against gay people. That is one issue that I would speak out about locally, damn the consequences. Obviously, I'm hoping it doesn't come up!

That's all the time I have! Soon, dear reader, soon.